Revenge
by turtlekitty
Summary: Renji kisses Byakuya during a game of spin the bottle. Byakuya is appalled so he gets revenge. Sexual revenge. WARNING: Contains yaoi and hints of yuri. Explicitness only happens during last chapters. NOT a lovey-dovey pairing. More comic.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing: **Byakuya x Renji

**Summary: **One day, Renji and Byakuya get a day off. Renji gets a little excited whilst playing spin the bottle. Byakuya takes revenge. Then Renji gets his revenge. Then Byakuya. Then Renji. Then they have sex.

**Warning: **Contains yaoi and bad language, if you haven't already noticed. It also contains references to yuri. CONTAINS MANY A PAIRING: Renji x Byakuya, HINTED PAIRINGS: Matsumoto x Orihime, Ikkaku x Yumichika, Kira x Hisagi, Ukitake x Hitsugaya, Soi Fon x Yoruichi and Gin x Aizen. There could be others, I forget. This story also contains insanity that really doesn't make any sense. Read at your own peril.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own bleach, but I would like to own Renji and Byakuya... And Gin.

P.S. The story kinda starts off really crap, but I promise you. It does get better :3

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**Chapter One**

It was a very rare day off for Byakuya Kuchiki.

Byakuya walked across the excessive grounds of the Kuchiki estate, contemplating what he should do with his spare time. Usually he never had this problem; usually he would relax inside his manor reading a calming book and watch the day go past. But that possibility was currently out of the question, because usually his house didn't need to have _building repairs _done to it.

Yes, his house now had subsidence issues from the amount of tunnels Yachiru had dug underneath it.

It was far too hot to stay outside and risk getting sun stroke and he didn't feel like being all too sociable on his precious day off, so where the hell did that leave him? After several minutes of strenuous thinking; Byakuya came to a conclusion. The human world had shade, right? And there weren't any rules _directly_ stating that he couldn't spend his free time in the human world. So the shinigami grabbed a pair of shorts and t-shirt (it would look a bit weird to be in a kimono in the human world, wouldn't it?) and off he went with a horrible sense that he'd forgotten something.

On second thoughts, he'd better bring sun-tan lotion too, just to be safe.

Byakuya chose to go in a gigai, he shivered as he remembered his last experience in the human world, staying in his spirit form. Renji had forced him to try an 'ice-cream' and Byakuya was stunned when he saw hundreds of people gather around him. _I'm invisible as a shinigami, aren't I? _It was only then when he realised that yes, he may be invisible, but his ice-cream most definitely wasn't, and a hovering ice-cream eating itself must be quite a spectacle.

Somehow, he had wound up at a beach. Just like in Seireitei, it was yet another boiling hot day with temperatures well over thirty degrees and not a single cloud in sight. But, thankfully, there were large palm tree's covering several wooden benches at the side of the beach, which he made his way over to. As Byakuya sat down, a horrible sinking feeling crept up on him.

_I forgot a book._

Byakuya quickly scouted out his surroundings. There were a few shops in the distance. As he got to the small high street, he noticed there was a small shop that appeared to be selling books. He went in and found himself in the middle of his personal heaven. _Multiple books._ He went over to a small section that appeared to be titled 'Manga'. He'd never personally heard of that sort of genre of book before. He scanned the shelf and pulled out a book that caught his eye, it had something like 'Naruto' on the front cover. He gently flicked through the pages and noticed it had pictures.. Confused and thoroughly enticed by this new book he had found (could he call it a book?), he walked straight out of the store and heard a horrible beeping noise as he exited the door.

He remembered that in the human world, even nobility such as himself had to do such a thing as 'pay'.

However, money was currently out of Byakuya's grasp as he turned around to see around 3 cashiers running towards him at petrifying speeds.

'Oops.'

Byakuya flash stepped as fast as he had ever flash stepped before and the cashiers were sent into a tumbling mess at the doorway, wondering where the perpetrator had made off to.

Byakuya relaxed once again on the wooden bench he had found earlier with book in hand.

An hour later, Byakuya finished his new found favourite book and rested on the bench considering what would happen if he drew cat whiskers on Ichigo. Just as he began to close his eyes it dawned on him that he could hear familiar voices faintly in the background.

'What the...'

Just at that moment he heard a loud shout behind him.

'TAICHOU? WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU DOING HERE?'

Byakuya could recognise that loud, boisterous voice anywhere.

'I was about to ask you the same thing, Abarai.' Byakuya said calmly, but secretly still in shock, as he turned around to face Ichigo, Orihime, Ishida, Chad, Matsumoto, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Kira, Hisagi and his lieutenant standing in front of him, all sharing the same shocked expression on their faces.

'Well, ya see, we had the day off today so we decided to head to the beach.'

'Oh.' _There was me thinking I had done something special to get a day off._

'Oi, Taichou, d'ya wanna play spin the bottle with us?'

'Just because you and I have a day off, does not give you permission to completely disregard your formality of speech, Abarai. And what, may I ask, is '_spin the bottle'?'_

Renji laughed and put his hand around Byakuya's shoulders.

'Neither of us are working today, pal, and here in the human world, there's no such thing as nobility or formality.' Renji put on a massive smile, happy that for once in his life he got to taunt the great Byakuya Kuchiki, without getting his arse kicked into submission.

'Do remember, that I can,' he coughed slightly 'kick your arse, as soon as we get back to soul society and trust me, I'll make sure you won't be walking properly for a week, so please refrain from touching me ever again.' Byakuya shot Renji one of his best glares that just screamed 'Go die in a hole where no-one can see you.'

Completely ignoring what his captain had just told him, Renji grabbed one of Byakuya's arms and Ichigo grabbed the other and began to haul him off further down the beach, not acknowledging Byakuya's monotone rants of injustice and 'how you should treat your higher-ups'.

As soon as they reached a fairly secluded part of the beach right next to the sea, everyone gathered in a circle. Renji forced Byakuya to sit down, just for him to try and make a runner a couple of seconds later. But Renji slowly dragged him back and forced him to take a seat again and Matsumoto put all her weight on his knee to stop him from re-attempting any more escape plans.

Ichigo pulled out an empty bottle of coke from his bag and placed it in the middle of them, he couldn't believe that Renji had somehow forced him to play this stupid teenage girls game.

'So how are we doing this?' Ichigo asked, unable to keep the slight tone of 'OMGWTFAMIDOING?' out of his voice.

'Well, the way I used to play it' Matsumoto started, 'was that when you spin it and it lands on someone, they pick either: truth, dare or kiss. If they pick either truth or dare then you spin the bottle again to see who would make the dare or truth, if you pick kiss, then you spin again and whoever it lands on is the person you have to kiss. Once you have kissed them, you have to go further the next time if you're chosen again with that person.'

Byakuya just stared at the bottle with the feeling of dread sitting on his shoulders. Renji, Hisagi and Ikkaku grinned, Kira looked slightly doubtful yet up to it, Ishida, Ichigo and Chad all looked less than impressed. The girls and Yumichika just giggled.

'Just as long as I only have to kiss beautiful people,' Yumichika sighed, whilst stroking his hair.

Matsumoto and Orihime looked at each other smiling, getting to see their fit team-mates possibly making out made this game 'oh so worthwhile'.

Matsumoto reached out to grab the bottle, flashing as much cleavage to the boys as humanly possible, making sure that they would choose kiss if the bottle span their way, even if they had a 1 in 5 chance of possibly kissing a member of the opposite sex. The bottle landed on Hisagi.

'Truth.' Shuuhei Hisagi stated simply.

'You're no fun at all.'

'You're the one that didn't want to play, Ichigo.'

Hisagi span the bottle again, which landed on Ishida. Ishida spent no time in thinking up his question.

'In all honest truth, why on earth do you have 69 tattooed on your FACE?'

'Well, ya see, a while back I tried several new _positions_ with this dude and we tried a position called '69'. It was quite possibly the best position I've ever been in. So, knowing me, I thought I would forget the name of it, and I didn't have any paper handy so I went into a tattoo studio and asked the chick working there to tattoo it for me. Now I'll never forget what a wonderful position it was.'

The whole group just sat and stared at Hisagi.

'I just said all of that out loud, didn't I?'

The group all nodded slowly.

'Oops. I was erm, just, er, saying my thoughts out loud. I meant that there was some guy who saved me and erm yeah he ha-'

'So who is this _dude_ you were with?' Matsumoto cut in.

'D-d-did I say dude?' Hisagi laughed feebly whilst scratching his head, 'I meant chick, how silly of me and anyway, that was all.. erm... A figment of my imagination.'

By this time Hisagi's face was the same colour as Renji's hair. Hisagi grabbed the bottle and span it, desperate for someone else to suffer the shame he was currently weighed down with.

The bottle came to rest, pointing at Ishida again; Ishida said truth and re-spun the bottle.

'Ishida-kun, if you had to sleep with any of the males in the circle, who would it be?'

Everybody's stares migrated to Orihime. How could such a seemingly innocent girl create such a seemingly un-innocent question?

'Everyone.' Ishida claimed with a small grin on his face. All Ichigo could see was evil _radiating_ off of that smile with a horrible feeling that if Ishida was drunk enough he really would sleep with everyone.

'Why's everyone acting so fuckin' FREAKY?' Ichigo said with a worried expression on his face, looking at his comrades, all sharing a marginally creepy smile apart from Byakuya who appeared to be hypnotised by the waves, most likely attempting to block out the escapades that were happening around him.

Ishida span the bottle which pointed at Ichigo.

'Fuck. Eugh, I'll go for truth'

'So who's no fun at all now, Ichigo?' Hisagi sneered.

Ichigo reluctantly took the bottle and re-spun it attempting to cleverly direct it to Chad. There was no way that Chad would _ever_ make up something perverted for him to answer. But just his luck, the bottle went one further and landed instead on Renji.

'Double fuck.'

Renji laughed. 'Me, plus you, plus lube, plus a cupboard. What would you do in 7 minutes?'

'I would fuck your shit up, pal.'

Renji laughed again, and leaned in close to Ichigo, putting his hand around Ichigo's waist.

'I like that idea, we have some spare time now, don't we?' Renji patted Ichigo's butt. The girls squealed.

Ichigo sat, aghast at what he had just experienced and suddenly sprinted off as fast as he could out to sea, Renji straight away on his tail.

'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE TODAY?' Could be faintly heard in their direction.

When Ichigo got back from his 'shenanigans' with Renji he sat back down in his place, making sure he put a _lot_ of personal space between him and Renji. He span the bottle again which landed on Yumichika who finally chose dare. When Yumichika re-spun the bottle it faced Kira.

'Grope whoever you think is the most beautiful.'

'Easy.'

Yumichika got up and headed in Matsumoto's direction, Matsumoto wiggled her eyebrows.

'I feel so beautiful.' She gushed, secretly she always held something for the 'pretty boy'.

But Yumichika crawled straight past Matsumoto and grabbed Ikkaku's *ahem* package. Ikkaku screeched and grabbed hold of Matsumoto and pointed to her breasts.

'THAT is FAR more beautiful than THIS.' Ikkaku pointed downwards holding the same expression that Ichigo had just a couple of minutes ago when Renji had hit on him.

'And that is why you have no perception of beauty, Madrame.' Yumichika smiled smugly, content with himself.

Ikkaku just sat in his place, partially mortified and scared for life, but a tiny little part of him was smitten that he was deemed most beautiful by his ever-so-critical best friend.

Yumichika spun the bottle, this time its target was Matsumoto.

'Kiss.'

Matsumoto grabbed the bottle and it landed on Orihime. All of the guys leered forwards slightly.

Before Orihime knew what had just happened Matsumoto had locked lips with her. The men cheered loudly, _this_ was the reason why they bothered to play. All the commotion they were making almost managed to break Byakuya's hypnosis of the waves. It was the only thing that was keeping him sane.

Orihime sat dazed. Matsumoto span the bottle again which landed on Renji. Renji was so fired up from the little display he was ever so keen on, he chose kiss, forgetting his 4 in 5 chance of kissing a member of the same sex. Renji took hold of the bottle and span it as fast as he could. It landed on non-other than Byakuya Kuchiki. Now it was the girls time to get a better view.

Renji crawled straight over to Byakuya, who appeared not to notice Renji's advances but stayed mesmerised by the motion of the waves. Renji connected his lips with his captains. Byakuya had _definitely _now lost all hypnosis and leapt about a mile in the air. He quickly regained his posture and gawked at Renji.

'What was that, Abarai?'

'The bottle told me to do it.'

'...' Byakuya looked sceptical, 'Has a hollow taken possession of that bottle? I have never seen such a phenomena...'

'Ha-ha, you weren't paying ANY attention, were you _Taichou?' _Renji specifically drew out the last word, being even more risky in taunting his captain.

Byakuya just blinked and flash-stepped again for the second time in the day to try and put as much space as possible between him and his perverse lieutenant. Byakuya lifted his hand to his lips, never had they felt so...

So...

Byakuya couldn't quite think of the word but it went something along the lines of 'violated'.


	2. Chapter 2

**Yeah, this chapter has absolutely no point. But still. And still, no yaoi but I promise, next chapter there is a smidgen. **

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Renji groaned. He had work today.

He had to face the wrath of his Captain today.

As he stood outside the 6th division's office he reflected on what had happened the previous day. As Byakuya had departed things became... Steamier. There was much more Orihime/Matsumoto action which left most of the men with slightly issues in their pants at the end of the day. There was also a little bit of action between Yumichika and Ikkaku before Ikkaku had also made a runner, screaming something about his innocence. Yesterday had been one of the best days Renji had for quite a while. This was definitely the first time he actually got to muck about in front of his captain.

He had also _kissed _his captain.

He hadn't meant it in any sentimental form but it was guaranteed that the black haired soul reaper will have taken it the wrong way. 'Bit of a shame, actually' Renji mused, 'He wasn't actually that bad a kisser.'

Renji took in a deep breath as he turned the handle, the split second he opened the door, he heard a voice coming from inside.

'Scatter, Senbonzakura.'

Renji slammed the door shut and legged it as fast as he possibly could down the corridor.

Looks like the Captain had taken it _very_ personally.

Renji managed to get away just in time but he noticed that some of the tips of his hair had been cut off. Dare he go back? It was what he was supposed to do, or should he just take the day off, fearing for his life. It was obvious the captain was still a little touchy but then again. Renji decided he would rather face his fate now and walked back into the office.

Byakuya had his normal stoic expression on his face again when Renji re-entered and he was looking calmly at the paperwork in front of him. He looked up and told Renji that he had several forms to fill in and then he was needed for training some of the new soul reapers from the academy. He said all of this in his normal calm expression, just like he did every day.

Renji sat down, a little more aware of his surroundings then usual but did as he was told.

_Maybe he just needed to vent out a little frustration, but he's okay with it now?_

'Oh, and Abarai? You are going to miss out on your special Kido class today.'

_Thank god._ The one thing that was guaranteed to piss Renji off every couple of days, was those stupid kido classes he was forced to attend from Byakuya. Because his skill of kido, or any form of demon magic, was way underneath what was expected as a lieutenant he had to go to 'catch up lessons' with some pompous git who had way too much time on his hands.

'Why?' Renji asked simply, it wasn't like his captain to allow him not to go.

'I came to the conclusion that these lessons were not helping you in the slightest.'

_Finally!_

'So instead, I believe it best if I teach you lessons one on one.'

_Fuck, what?_

'This isn't..erm.. Punishment for yesterday, perhaps?'

'Do you see one on one lessons with me as punishment?'

Renji opened his mouth to say something smart and then shut it again. Why did Byakuya have to be so damn quick off the mark? Renji just started filling out the stupid forms and shut up. This _definitely_ had something to do with yesterday, Renji could sense it. He dreaded to think what sort of horror awaited him. Maybe this time Byakuya would be waiting around the corner with his freakin' bankai all set up. But most likely knowing him it would be more like some gruelling long winded punishment, he would probably spend the whole time showing off how awesome his demon magic was and making Renji's ego around about the size of a gnat.

It was nearing the end of the day and Renji had just come back to the office, after telling all the little newbie's the importance of knowing your zanpakuto's name, to collect his things and leave for the evening. He collected all the paper-work and was just about to walk out of the door when Byakuya walked into the office. Just as he was passing, he whispered in Renji's ear:

'Don't forget about tonight.'

Renji turned to face his captain and noticed there was all about 2 cm personal space between them. He yelped and ran, especially when he noticed that Byakuya was ever so casually laying his hand on his zanpakuto. Today was _not_ going to turn out well.

Renji went out to the main courtyard after he'd had dinner and met up with Hinamori and Kira before he had to be off to his doom. Kira couldn't stop laughing as soon as he heard what had happened to Renji today. Hinamori looked confused. Kira explained what had happened during their day off and Renji watched her change different varying colours of red.

'Please tell me he's joking Renji, you didn't actually _kiss_ Byakuya Kuchiki?'

'No can do.' Renji laughed.

'It's so obvious you really liked it Renji, you can't stop laughing like a goof-ball every single time someone mentions it.' Kira teased.

'You just have no clue how fuckin' brilliant it is to get one up on one of the most feared people in the whole of soul society.'

'And now you're going to have the shit kicked out of you for it.' Hisagi grinned as he walked up to them from the opposite side of the quad. The sense of impending damnation was brought back once again on Renji's shoulders.

'Speaking of which, you should probably be off.' Kira added.

'Oh, oh great.' Renji sighed. 'Any of you going to wish this poor soul some luck?'

'Psh. You wish, you brought it upon yourself.' Hisagi and Kira said smiling innocently.

'I hope you know how much I hate you two.' Renji stormed off.

'Good luck!' Hinamori called out from behind him. _At least someone acknowledges my pain and torment _Renji thought, tragically.

'Good-bye self esteem and beautiful body. It was nice knowing you.'


	3. Chapter 3

**If you made it this far, I congratulate you. There is finally a teeny bit of yaoi. But only slightly, if you look between the lines and strain your eyes a bit. Reviews are very much appreciated. **

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Byakuya secretly felt very satisfied. His little plan to knock Renji's ego back down to soul society was a go, and he was pretty damn sure that it was going to be a success. He was going to make sure that Renji knew his place.

There was nothing like a good bit of revenge.

And Byakuya wasn't just out for a little bit of childish revenge such as this morning. This type of revenge ran deep. And it was going to be fun to see Renji get a taste of his own medicine. Byakuya could even feel evil laughter coming on but he decided it would ruin his image.

He saw the door open very, very slowly and Renji stick his nose through. He was obviously petrified. _Just where I want you._ When Renji noticed Byakuya wasn't about to jump out at him like in some horror movie his stuck his head round the door and noticed his captain standing calmly before him, looking no different, and no more evil than was normal for him. Renji closed the door behind him and walked over to Byakuya the sense of impending doom lowering slightly.

He doesn't look angry, Renji thought. He then noticed that Senbonzakura was sitting on the opposite wall and not in the evil clutches of its master. Renji breathed a sigh of relief. Today was not the day he was going to be saying adios to what he believed was a very sexy body.

As Renji stood next his captain he felt something very strange wash over him. He knew it was Byakuya's reiatsu, but there was something different about it. Renji had gotten so accustomed to Byakuya's reiatsu that he could even tell his emotions from it. He could tell when Byakuya was angry, scared or even sometimes secretly smug, but this was something he had never sensed before. The emotion he currently had flowing around him felt horribly similar to... Renji didn't even want to think about it ... It felt horribly similar to _lust._

It had been a long time since Byakuya had figured out that Renji could very easily read his emotions. He decided to use this to his advantage and warp his own spirit pressure. He began to release it in small waves making it ever so awkward for his poor pitiful lieutenant, who was currently squirming in front of him.

Byakuya stepped forwards and closed the small gap between him and Renji.

'We shall step back to basics.' Byakuya said, adding a very small intimate undertone, 'I want you to just relax and create a small ball of spirit force. But try and make it as powerful as you can.'

Renji blinked, he'd never quite heard his captain speak like that to him before and Byakuya was also standing so close he could feel the shinigami's warm breath tickle the skin on his neck. Renji attempted to ignore all of this and give it his best shot.

Renji concentrated all of his spirit power into a small ball in the palm of his hand. _Why does it always have to be pink?_ The ball looked like it was threatening to break at any given moment. He felt another wave of lustful reiatsu cover him and the small pink sphere in his hand quivered.

Byakuya admired the pathetic attempt his lieutenant had conjured up before putting his plan back into action. He placed the tips of his fingers under Renji's hand, making sure to press them very delicately against his skin.

'You need to control your spirit pressure better, those spikes it keeps producing is a sign that it's _very _unstable.' Byakuya said in no more than a whisper in Renji's ear in a very seductive manner.

The sphere in Renji's palm exploded at that point, he'd completely lost all concentration and was well and truly spooked out at this point. He very slowly turned his head to face Byakuya and a shiver was sent down his spine.

'As I was saying, it doesn't take much environmental stress to break it.' Byakuya said slowly and quietly, letting out another wave a little more powerful than before. He watched as Renji shivered again underneath his glare. _This is going better than expected_ Byakuya secretly praised himself. Maybe he was actually a naturally gifted pervert?

Renji took a deep breath, and shunned all 'environmental stress' as he create a second ball, this time very slightly larger and even more pink than the last one.

'Getting better.' Byakuya said but then proceeded to diminish the small sphere in Renji's hand by just touching it. Renji couldn't help but glare at the man standing as bold as brass before him. Byakuya produced a small ball in his own hand which took on a blue-ish hue. Renji could feel the pressure it was giving off and couldn't help but marvel at it. But yet again, even the orb sitting in-between Byakuya's palms was giving off a very weird vibe. Suddenly the pressure the sphere was giving off spiked and inappropriate images flashed through Renji's brain. Renji almost fell over backwards from the shock of seeing very erotic imagery of the very man standing in front of him.

'Oh god, please don't tell me I'm starting to get the hots for another _man.' _Renji thought as the images dissipated. Renji was about 99.9 % sure that there was absolutely _nothing_ sexy with the man who was currently showing off his superior skill. 'Make that 100%' Renji said out loud when Byakuya decided to let the small sphere in his hands explode in Renji's face.

'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that Abarai?'

Renji laughed with a slight guilty tone after more erotic images entered his imagination as the spirit ball exploded. _If I'm not careful, these images might do some serious damage to my sanity and to something a little bit further down._

Byakuya couldn't contain it any more; a very small almost inaudible chuckle left his lips. This was going far, far better than he had ever imagined. Maybe it was overkill but Byakuya let out yet another wave of lust ridden reiatsu and could see Renji sweating slightly before him. Byakuya was so enamoured by his own skill he couldn't stop himself from adding,

'Are you feeling okay Abarai? You don't look well, whatever is the matter?'

If looks could kill Byakuya would have been eradicated from Soul Society at that very moment.

'I'm fine.' Renji grunted.

'What the hell is wrong with you?' Renji wanted to ask. Seriously, either the Squad 6 Captain fancied him and thought that Renji also liked him just 'cause he kissed him the day before or Byakuya was is some seriously desperate need for some release. 'Maybe he always gets like this come night time... Kinda like a vampire, but hungry for some other bodily fluid?' Renji mused. Either way, he didn't like where this was heading. _Maybe I should recommend going to Matsumoto, I know she likes Byakuya. _

_Naaaah, he'd kill me first._

'Okay, let us try something slightly different. I wish you create the small spirit ball again but this time, fire it as fast as you can.' Byakuya told Renji.

Renji re-created the small pink sphere for the third time.

'Why does it always have to be _pink?_' Renji thought again, this time out loud.

'Is there a problem with the colour pink?' _Fuck,_ Renji had completely forgotten that Senbonzakura turned into _pink _blossom, he had _once again_ put his foot in it.

'No, erm.. there's nothing wrong with pink. You suit it very well; it's just not very manly.' Renji muttered.

'Are you implying that I am not manly?' A small wave of lust was making its way over to Renji.

'No, no, no, no, no. You're ... Erm... The definition of the word manly.'

'I hope I didn't detect sarcasm, Abarai.' Another wave.

'I just mean pink clashes with my hair!' Renji was actually quite proud for making that up on cue.

'Hmmn, that it does.'

'You're not supposed to agree Taichou!'

'I was merely pointing out the fact that I agree with you.' Another wave, slightly bigger than the previous ones.

_That does it._ Renji set off the small orb as powerful as he could aiming it over Byakuya's shoulder, only to have it do a pitiful little back flip and then explode in his face.

_Fuck my life._ When Renji was on the point of losing all possible hope of his self esteem, Byakuya re-created his spirit orb, which again shone bright blue.

'You need to learn to put _all_ of the spirit energy into it and you need to tell it where to go.'

Byakuya released his spirit ball which headed straight for Renji's...Pants. Renji instantly used his shunpo to get out of the way but not before he felt the awful lustrous vibe, this time collecting around his nether regions. _Please can I just die?_

'Obviously sometimes they don't go _exactly_ where they are told.' Byakuya said with a very slight smile, releasing yet another lustful wave of reiatsu, a little larger than he had anticipated.

'NO SHIT, TAICHOU._'_

'_What was that you just said, Abarai?'_

'Look, I dunno if ya have some sort of evil plan or you just have a serious dry spell issue. But whatever it is PLEASE STOP AIMING SPIRIT BALLS AT MY GROIN. IT WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPREACIATED.'

'I have no such problem.' Byakuya said with a small shrug and pointed down to Renji's pants, 'but it is apparent that you may have a slight issue you may need to deal with.'

Renji looked down and saw the thing he most definitely did NOT want to see. _How the fuck did I get a hard on from just seeing a couple of perverted images of...him?_

Byakuya walked up to Renji.

'Do you, say, need a, how do I put this, need a hand with your issue?'

'OOOOOH MY GOD, I'M ALRIGHT THANKS.'

'Obviously you're not' Byakuya started to move his hand closer to Renji.

Renji swatted Byakuya hand away, 'I'll get someone else to erm.. sort it out. Yeah. No big deal!' _Did I really just say that? _

'Who?' Byakuya said quizzically with one eyebrow raised marginally.

'Erm...' _C'mon Renji, just say the first name that comes into your head! '_MAYURI!'

_WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE? MAYURI?_

'Oh yes, he does have some _excellent_ remedies for issues such as yours, especially if you have a bit of a masochistic flair.'

Renji gulped.

'But I'm sure it would just be easier for me to deal with this issue at hand. I'm actually rather gifted.'

'NO. NO. I'M HONEST TO GOD JUST OFF TO SEE MAYURI. NICE OF YOU TO OFFER BUT... YEAH, HE'S THE GUY TO GO TO Y'KNOW!'

Renji blessed the day he learnt Shunpo.


	4. Chapter 4

**It is hopefully getting better. Honest. Reviews? Warning, insanity awaits you at the end of this chapter.**

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_Byakuya had never known of a plan that had gone so easily and revenge had definitely never tasted sweeter._

Renji praised the fact that today he didn't have to go to the office. Instead he had a day's training with the other lieutenants with Mayuri leading the lessons.

Renji shuddered as the name Mayuri passed through his thoughts. Apparently from Nemu, Mayuri wasn't bad looking under the mask but irregardless. _I mean, his fuckin' ear detaches into a whip thing!_

_And I'd told Kuchiki-Taichou, I'd get my little problem sorted out by him._

_WHY?_

_Next time I have to make up a name on the spot, make sure you wipe all the males out of the list._

_.._

_And Yachiru._

_And anyway, just be thankful you didn't say Kenpachi._

Renji met up with Kira, Hisagi, Matsumoto and Hinamori in the training yard. They all wished to know the specifics of what had happened last night between him and Byakuya. Renji refused to tell them anything but the fact that he thought that the lesson had caused him to be kido-phobic.

'But here's the question Renji... Was it an _enjoyable _punishment?' Matsumoto asked suggestively.

'NO!'

'You said that very quickly, you sure you aren't hiding some form of secret enjoyment?'

Renji turned to look at the source of the voice.

'What the hell are you doing here?' He said when he saw Ichigo standing in front of him.

'Maths test today and I didn't revise.'

'So to skive off you decided to go to _soul society?'_

'Well, there's no chance of them ever finding me here!'

'You're such an idiot.' Renji said.

'Well, from what I've heard, I'm not the only idiot here.' Ichigo raised an eyebrow, smirking.

'Hush now.' Mayuri said as he walked into the training yard. 'Ichigo Kurosaki, what do you think you're doing here?'

'Erm, I'll be off then.' Ichigo laughed feebly, the captain of squad 12 still kinda spooked him out.

'Hmmn, where's your Quincy friend Ichigo? He hasn't come to see me for a while. I have a nice new _experiment_ I would like to try out.'

'Yeah, I'm definitely off now.' He waved to the others and sprinted off without a second glance at Mayuri, fearing the consequences if he made eye contact. For all Ichigo knew, there could be some horrible experiment waiting for him if he stayed any longer.

'I don't think Kurosaki likes me,' Mayuri thought out loud, 'Oh, Abarai? Kuchiki-Taichou said that you may need a couple of _personal_ and rather _pressing _issues sorted out by me. Would you like to come round the back for a couple of minutes?'

Renji didn't think he'd ever blushed so much in his whole life. Matsumoto raised an eyebrow and Hisagi attempted to muffle his laughter.

'I hate you.' Renji whispered to Hisagi which just made him laugh even more.

'No, I got my problem sorted out already! Erm. Thanks for worrying though.' Renji said, hoping that no-one in the room would gather what his 'personal issues' were. He saw Yachiru in the corner looking puzzled. _Oh god, don't let her say anything embarrassing._

'BY WHOOOOOO?' Yachiru shouted, jumping on Renji's back. Mayuri lifted an eyebrow, it was apparent that he also wished to know. _Fuck._

_WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE NEED NAMES? C'mon, first FEMALE name that pops into your head._

'HITSUGAYA!'

_You absolute FAIL, Renji. Now everyone's gunna think I'm a little paedophile and since when has he been a she?_

'I thought Hitsugaya was with Ukitake all night?' Mayuri questioned.

'Yeah... Erm... They both sorted out my issue!'

Everyone in the room slowly turned to stare at Renji. It took a little while for it to sink in with Renji.

'Wait, Hitsugaya was with WHO, all night?'

Mayuri raised his other eyebrow.

'It is apparent that you do not wish for my help. For your punishment, you must go first.'

Renji hung his head, _I HOPE YOUR FUCKIN' HAPPY NOW TAICHOU, _and shuffled over to Mayuri.

...

'Well, it could have been worse.' Hisagi said as he patted a mortified Renji on the back. 'Ya could've said Jidanbou.'

Renji had to try very hard to stop himself from squirting the water he was drinking all over the place from the mental image that had just lodged itself in his thoughts. They had been given a break by Mayuri after Ichigo decided to return whilst being chased by Yoruichi. Rumours had it that Ichigo had stood on her tail. For around about the fourteenth time.

'Never say that again Shuuhei, and anyway, Matsumoto, what the hell was Hitsugaya doing round at Ukitake's?'

'He said he wanted sweets.' Matsumoto winked, 'But we all know that Ukitake has some ulterior motive.'

'I know too much about ulterior motives.'

'Like your ulterior motive when you kissed Kuchiki-sama?' Kira smiled.

'NO. FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NEITHER IN LOVE WITH BYAKUYA KUCHIKI OR WISH TO HAVE SOME VERY MANLY GAY SEX WITH HIM. END OF DISCUSSION.'

Everyone in the yard went quiet at that exact moment.

'I said that a bit loud. Didn't I?'

Renji glared at his friends. Matsumoto, Hisagi, and Kira were in fits of laughter whilst Hinamori giggled.

'S'not funny guys.'

'Ah well, not as bad as Gin. He had ulterior motives for everything that breathes.' Kira laughed.

'Oh god, yeah.' Hisagi grinned. Hinamori looked confused. Hisagi began to explain.

'It was me, Ikkaku, Renji, Yumichika and Izuru and we had gone out for a drink and Gin walks in and attempted to talk us into all going back to his house for some...Fun.'

'And even when we said no, he just wouldn't give up!' Kira finished. 'It was awful going to see him the next day. He just said nothing about it and moved onto Byakuya-sama instead. That was funny.'

'He was actually such a pervert I even feel a little sorry for Aizen. God knows what he's got in store for him.'

'Breaks over people, get up off ya lazy arses and let me beat the shit outta 'em instead.'

'That doesn't sound like Mayuri...' Renji said and turned around. Zaraki Kenpachi stood in front of them. 'Mayuri had to do some work so I'm takin' over. And any of 'ya seen Ichigo lately?'

'Ken-CHAAAAAN~'

Renji looked down at the ground again. Yet another bad day lay ahead.

...

As Renji finally lay in bed, in a red kimono, he let out a sigh of relief. He had gotten better and Kenpachi hadn't gone that hard on him so he hadn't got a complete grilling by the Squad 11 Captain. _Thank god._ But tomorrow he had to go back to the office with Byakuya. Renji shivered. Why the hell was Byakuya acting like that...

Then it hit him.

Byakuya had got his revenge on Renji by _sexually _harassing him! _How did I not see that at the time! I thought he actually had a little thing going on for me! Sheesh, don't be so vain Renji! That means that currently Byakuya has the upper-hand again! Fuck my life. _

Renji relaxed and an idea suddenly occurred to him. There was no way he was going to let his captain be one up on _him._

Ever.

Renji flash-stepped his way over to the Kuchiki manor. The building works had finally finished and the house was looking as flamboyant as ever. Renji very quietly made his way through the house into utilities bit. He saw what he was looking for.

The washing machine.

Byakuya had his white scarf and gloves waiting to be washed by some poor newbie in squad 6. Well, Renji was going to do the washing _for_ him.

Renji shoved the scarf and gloves in the washing machine and then stripped. He threw his red kimono in the wash as well. Even Renji was smart enough to know what happened when you added colours to a white wash.

Renji was planning on waiting for the wash to finish to retrieve his kimono but he heard someone stirring in the room next to him. He quickly flash stepped out of the washing room and started to make his way out of the manor. So Byakuya would know who did it, but still. That was all part of the fun.

Renji was just about to dash out the door when he saw a darkened figure to his left. He turned and saw his captain standing there with a decorative black kimono on with a Koi on the front of it. His hair was also down.

'A-A-Abarai?' Byakuya stuttered with an extremely shocked expression on his face. Byakuya looked even more surprised as his eyes travelled down Renji's body.

Renji looked down. Today just had to be the day he decided to go commando.

Renji flash-stepped faster than the speed of light all the way back to his barracks.

Somehow, without even doing anything, Byakuya had once again got the upper hand.

And somewhere in Las Noches, wearing a pink tutu and fairy wings, Gin sneezed as he was about to pounce into Aizen's room.

'Someone's been talkin' 'bout me.'


	5. Chapter 5

**This is where the insanity truly begins. I warn you, some of it is a little stupid, I get very easily carried away. Oh, and this chapter contains practically every pairing that I could think of (that I beleive are a fit pairing) in Bleach :3**

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Renji shivered as he awoke. Memories of what he had done last night came flooding back.

_So I've kissed Byakuya Kuchiki, had a hard-on in front of him and now he's seen me naked. All in the space of three days. _

Then another dreadful thought popped into his head. _What if he tells Rukia? Holy crap, she'll shout at me just as much as when I once attempted to hit on her._

'Well, hopefully by the time she comes back to Soul Society after hanging out with Ichigo, Byakuya might have forgotten.' Renji considered. 'Then again. _Byakuya Kuchiki never forgives and never forgets._'

Renji slowly crawled out of bed and got changed quickly. He gradually made his way to the sixth division's office. Renji turned the handle and put his ear to the door to make sure he didn't hear any more shikai releases. Once Renji was assured that he wasn't about to be met by a flurry of blossom, he walked into the room and was startled to notice that Byakuya wasn't in yet.

'Maybe he had a heart attack because he was so shocked at how sexy I looked last night?' Renji thought aloud.

'Or maybe his clothes wouldn't dry properly because some imbecile put my stuff in the wash and never dried them for me.' Said the monotone voice behind Renji.

Renji spun around to see Byakuya sporting a slightly different look. Everything was the same apart from the fact that now both his scarf and gloves were bright pink. Renji couldn't help by snigger.

'I thought I told you I liked the colour pink? Does this colour offend you?'

Renji attempted to stop sniggering but failed as he accidently snorted.

'I don't know what you find so funny, last night I found out that mine is bigger than yours.'

That shut Renji up. Renji went over to his seat, his face burning.

'Regardless, today we have to fill in this form for some obscure reason for the Shinigami Women's Association together,' Byakuya scowled at the document 'and later on you are needed to perform a patrol check around Karakura... Again.'

Renji just shuffled slightly in his chair, the red hue in his cheeks slowly weakening.

Byakuya sighed. 'We might as well make a start on _this.' _Byakuya began to unroll the document, the further he unrolled it, the more pissed off he looked. When the file began to pool on the ground Renji could swear he heard Byakuya growl.

'What actually do we have to do?' Renji asked.

'Matsumoto told me that it is multiple choice and we have to select the boxes that best describe our... Relationship.'

The feeling of impending doom that Renji was now so used to was back. _If Matsumoto has made all these questions up then I might as well give up living right now._

Byakuya read out the first question:

'Who is the seme?' Byakuya frowned 'Abarai, do you know this terminology?'

Renji's eyes widened and he felt the blush make a reappearance.

'It means...Erm.. Who is more...Dominating?'

'Well then, that shall be me.' Byakuya ticked a little box next to his name. Renji felt his soul slowly being crushed by the weight of embarrassment.

'Do you believe in foreplay?...What sort of question is that?'

Renji wished the ground could just swallow him up right now.

'Hmmn, lets skip to the next question. Which of you has the bigger manhood? Well, as I just said that will be me.' Byakuya ticked the little box next to his name again. Renji felt like hitting his head against the wall.

'These questions don't seem very...Related to anything.' Byakuya then scanned through the questions, some of them receiving a raised eyebrow or awkward twitch.

'Say, Abarai, do we always use protection?'

'I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE DAMN QUESTIONS. Renji grabbed the piece of paper from Byakuya's hand and sprinted off to the tenth division barracks. He stormed into the office ready to scream at Matsumoto, but a very different sight met his eyes.

Hitsugaya was getting it off with Ukitake.

Renji froze to the ground, unable to believe his eyes. _I mean, think of the age difference._

Ukitake smiled 'Wish to join us Renji? I've heard we've managed to sort out your _issue_ before, without even doing anything!' Hitsugaya was bright red from the sudden intrusion.

Renji really did wish to run, but his legs refused to move. He felt someone pull his hair from behind and fell out of the office and the door was shut again.

'That is why you never walk into an office without knocking Renji.' Matsumoto laughed.

'Y-y-you don't have a problem with what's going on in there?'

'Of course I don't,' Matsumoto smiled 'Young love.'

'Hitsugaya may be young but Ukitake sure isn't!'

Matsumoto sighed, 'Someone as heterosexual as you could never understand.'

'What's that supposed to mean? ANYWAY, judging by this bogus document you gave to Kuchiki-Taicho it looks like you've pinned me more as a homo!'

Matsumoto started laughing. 'That actually surprisingly wasn't my idea. Kira came up with it! So don't yell at me. Sheesh.'

Renji glared into Rangiku's eyes. 'Are you sure?'

'HONEST! I just thought it was such a good idea that I decided to carry it out for him.' Matsumoto smiled innocently.

Renji growled and began to trudge his way over to the third squad. _You're dead meat, Kira._ He marched straight into the office again, not heeding Matsumoto's words of advice. Once more, he walked into the office and was met by a rather disturbing image. Kira and Hisagi were in a rather...Compromising position. Kira was straddling Hisagi whilst Hisagi had one of his hands around Kira, the other appeared to be in Kira's pants.

'OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK?' Renji screamed.

Kira and Hisagi very quickly jumped up, both of their cheeks bright red. Hisagi was laughing feebly.

'I will pretend I never saw that. ANYWAY, Izuru Kira, HOW DARE YOU EVER GIVE MATSUMOTO IDEAS LIKE THAT.'

'Huh?' Both Kira and Hisagi looked confused.

'Those bloody questions!'

'Ooooh, you're talking about the questions that Matsumoto sent Byakuya, yeah erm, I thought Ikkaku made them up?' Hisagi said whilst Kira nodded.

Renji hissed. 'Is that the whole truth?' He didn't think that Kira would have made up those sorts of questions. But then again...

Both of them nodded.

'Fine. By the way. You two are, from now on, my personal slaves else I tell everyone what you were doing.'

Renji stomped away from the third squad and plodded up to the eleventh squad. In all his rage and fury, he once again forgot Matsumoto's wise words and burst into the eleventh squad's office.

What met his eyes was once again, not all he expected. Yumichika appeared to be in a dress. A very, _very_ short dress and Ikkaku appeared to be dressed as a cowboy. A cowboy that appeared to be missing half of his clothes.

Yumichika sighed. 'Oh thank god, it's only you Renji. I thought for a second Kenpachi-taichou had come back.'

'ONLY ME?' Renji screeched, appalled at his fellow comrades.

'Well, I don't mind someone beautiful barging in on me looking like this, but someone like Kenpachi-taichou shouldn't have the honour of looking at something as beautiful as I in such beautiful clothes.'

'Whaaaaaaaa? ANYWAY, IKKAKU. THOSE QUESTIONS YOU SENT ME AND BYAKUYA. EXPLAIN.

'Erm, duuude. That wasn't us. That was Soi Fon.'

'WHAT THE HELL DOES SOI FON HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?'

'Cause I might have_ accidently_ mentioned the whole ordeal to Soi Fon?' Ikkaku smiled smugly.

'B-b-but SOI FON IS INNOCENT!'

'Really?' Yumichika raised a feathered eyebrow.

Renji screamed.

'YOU TWO ARE ALSO BOTH MY PERSONAL SLAVES ELSE I TELL YACHIRU WHAT YOU WERE UP TO.'

Yumichika and Ikkaku gulped and Renji once again made his way out of the eleventh squad barracks and began the long hike to the second squad.

Yet again, unmitigated fury made him forget the simple task of knocking on a door.

Renji charged into Soi Fon's personal office and found that the sight that he looked on to was...

Actually not so bad.

Soi Fon had Yoruichi pinned against a wall, her Shihakushou partially falling off and Yoruichi not wearing anything. AT ALL.

Renji just stood there drooling and completely forgot what he was doing there. It was until Soi Fon had charged up to him and slapped him round the face for the interruption that he finally came to.

'Soi Fon, you should wear your Shihakushou like that more often. ANYWAY, DID YOU, OR DID YOU NOT MAKE UP SOME RATHER DISTURBING QUESTIONS FOR ME AND KUCHIKI-TAICHO TO ANSWER?'

Yoruichi laughed in the background.

Renji slit his eyes and glared at Yoruichi. 'It was you. Wasn't it?'

'Took you a while to find me, didn't it?'

'Why you...' Renji slowly walked over to Yoruichi with his best death glare on attempting to ignore the fact that Yoruichi still stood completely naked.

Yoruichi laughed again and snatched the document that Renji had been holding this whole time. She unravelled it and looked at it.

'So you're the uke? How sweet.'

'ONE OF THESE DAYS, I WILL KILL YOU YORUICHI.'

Yoruichi smiled, 'Send my regards to Byakuya-chan!' She chuckled as both her and Soi Fon flash-stepped out of the office.

_Byakuya-CHAN?_

Renji trawled his way back to the sixth divisions office; he'd worn himself out from all that shouting and stomping.

Do you think Renji listened to Matsumoto's advice this time?

Renji slowly opened the door and crawled in.

'I found out who ma-' Renji stopped talking when he noticed what was in front of him, abusing his eyesight.

His captain...Touching himself.

Byakuya looked up.

'Did no-one ever tell you to knock before you enter a room?'

The amount of surprises Renji had received today was just too much for him and he passed out.

And somewhere in Las Noches, Ulquiorra entered Aizen's office without knocking. The sight before him traumatised the fourth Espada. Aizen was dressed up as a leprechaun and Gin was dressed as Princess Peach and they were both currently in the act of some very manly _gay sex._


	6. Chapter 6

**So yeah, like I said. The story's starting to get a little ridiculous. But anyway, reviews are greatly appreciated (: **

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Renji found himself sleeping on a futon in what look suspiciously like Byakuya's bedroom.

Renji recalled what had happened a few hours ago, he had seen Byakuya Kuchiki masturbating, Shuuhei Hisagi giving Izuru Kira a hand job, Ikkaku Madarame dressed as a sexy cowboy and Yumichika Ayasegawa as a little girl, Toshiro Hitsugaya and Joushiro Ukitake making out and last but not least Soi Fon half dressed being intimidating to a completely naked Yoruichi Shihoin.

_Mnn.. Completely naked Yoruichi and Soi Fon, I like. Imagine what they were doing before I walked in... Yum Yum Yum._

Renji's pants reminded him that he was getting a little too carried away with his fantasies. 'Ah shit' Renji thought, the last thing he needed was yet another erection in front of Byakuya. Renji decided that he was going to keep a low profile and quietly make his way over to the bathroom. It was just a little too creepy for him to 'relieve himself' in Byakuya's BEDROOM.

As soon as Renji had entered the bathroom he gasped. _It's fuckin' humongous. _He noticed that it also wasn't just a generic square shape; it had a small corridor leading off to what he could only guess what a giant walk in shower. _Bloody hell._ There was a faint hiss in the background but Renji was too preoccupied with sorting out his own little problem he never noticed.

Once Renji had finished and cleaned away all evidence of his little problem he decided he was going to take a little venture down the small corridor. _I feel like a shower anyway, now._ As he got there he realised it wasn't just a simple walk in shower. It was a compilation of loads of shower heads. It also appeared to be double sided as there was a small wall in the middle of the giant walk-in-shower-but-not-quite room; Renji couldn't be bothered to investigate around the other side and just stripped again and turned on the shower. The water was just at the right temperature.

Just as Renji was getting really into his shower he realised that the noise the jet of water was producing appeared to have reduced. Renji opened his eyes to see if maybe of the shower heads had stopped working but a rather different sight met his eye, for something like the fifth time that day.

Byakuya was standing there, completely naked, soaking wet and with an extremely stunned expression on his face. Renji was pretty sure his heart would never beat again from the complete shock. He attempted to give himself some decency by turning around but he span around too fast in his urgency to cover his manhood from the prying eyes of his captain, and fell over and hit his head against one of the taps.

'Oooow.' Renji whined.

'You're such an idiot, Abarai.' Byakuya knelt down next to Renji and investigated where Renji had hit his head, 'For one, you're lucky, you haven't broken any skin and I don't know why you're so anxious to cover yourself up, I have already seen you in your 'full glory'.'

Renji wished his head wound could have been more grievous, so he wouldn't have to bear the shame he was currently forced to go through. He looked up again.

_Shit, Byakuya's dick IS bigger than mine._

'Where exactly do you think your eyes are travelling?'

Renji quickly looked down at the ground. _If only he would just FUCKIN' LEAVE ALREADY AND GET A TOWL._

'Well, yesterday ya said that yours was bigger than mine, I just needed some clarification, ya see.'

'Firstly, that was actually today and secondly, I hope that's your head wound talking.'

'...'

'Renji?'

'Mmmn?' Renji's head had started to spin and he felt the ground rush up to meet him for the second time in the day.

Byakuya glared at Renji. This left him in quite a predicament.

_Fuck you, Renji Abarai for making me do this._

Byakuya picked up Renji with all the strength he could muster and hauled him back over to his bedroom. As soon as he entered the corridor separating the bathroom from his bedroom he saw a small pink-haired girl rush through on a scooter. She stopped when she realised what she had just passed.

As Yachiru looked behind her, she could see Byakushi carrying Ren-chan, both naked and soaking wet.

'I'M TELLING KEN-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAN~!'

Byakuya watched as Yachiru sped off with a sense of dread.

Once Byakuya had managed to drag Renji into his room he glared at the naked man before him. For the shock of being caught minus a scrap of clothing, being forced to drag him into his room and being seen by Yachiru, Byakuya decided Renji had to pay. And he couldn't care less if his lieutenant was going to have concussion or not.

Byakuya smiled when a brilliant plan came to mind.

...

Renji awoke a couple of hours later. He appeared to be in a very warm, comfy bed. Renji sat up, he appeared to be back in Byakuya's bedroom, yet this time in his bed.

And still naked.

Renji suddenly felt something warm wrap around his leg.

Renji very, very slowly turned his head around, dreading the worst. And the worst was there to greet him.

Byakuya Kuchiki was lying next to him, also not wearing anything and had wrapped his leg around Renji's. Renji looked around a noticed a bottle of lube and a condom wrapper lying on the bed side table.

_You have got to be shitting me._

Byakuya moaned softly in his feigned sleep. Renji had to admit that Byakuya did look fairly cute lying there but then another thing hit him. He seemed to have materialised pain in his... Behind.

_What. The FUCK. Have you done, Renji Abarai?_

_He had just had sex with his captain. That is what he had done._

Renji scratched his head, desperately trying to recall what had just happened.

_HOW THE HELL COULD I JUST FORGET ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?_

_AAAAARGH!_

Renji quickly slipped into his Shihakushou which was lying where he was originally, the first time he was brought into Byakuya's room. He looked once again at Byakuya, who now appeared to be sucking his thumb.

_FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE._

Renji took one last peek at Byakuya to check he was still sleeping until sprinting out of the Kuchiki manor. Hopefully never to return again.

He had too many bad memories in that place now.

Byakuya couldn't help but laugh. That had to be the best idea he had ever come up with in his whole life. And now Byakuya was never going to let his lieutenant live this down. It was amazing what having a spare bottle of lube, some condoms and a little kido magic could do.

And somewhere is Las Noches Grimmjow had eaten some dodgy Mexican meal. He groaned when he noticed there were no bathrooms around him. He _really_ needed the toilet. There was nothing for it and Grimmjow was forced to use Aizen's personal bathroom. He knew it was a giant mistake when he opened the door and saw Aizen and Gin sharing a bath, Aizen dressed as a pirate and Gin as a mermaid, both playing with rubber hollow ducks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Heh-heh, FINALLY there is some explicitness. IT WILL GET BETTER. By the way, I'm crap at writing explicitness. I'm not even sure explicitness is a real word. Oh and yeah, I might have taken the piss very slightly out of some much more 'lovey-dovey' romantic stories. Just maybe. A little bit.**

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_I slept with Byakuya Kuchiki._

_I ACTUALLY had SEX with Byakuya Kuchiki; my CAPTAIN._

_..._

_AND I CAN'T REMEMBER IT._

Not that Renji would particularly like to remember such a traumatising event, but still, it would be nice to know how it went down, and such.

_Did I hit on him, or did he hit on me?_

_And I really can't see myself hitting on Kuchiki-taichou because I'm not VAGUELY ATTRACTED TO HIM. And if it were the other way round, then why the hell did I say yes? Couldn't I have just made up some excuse such as I had a prior engagement with... Hanatarou?_

_Okay, maybe that's why I didn't say I had a prior engagement._

_BUT STILL._

_Does that mean I have something for Kuchiki-taichou?_

A horrible thought hit Renji.

_Did I ENJOY_ _having ANAL SEX?_

An even worse thought hit Renji.

_Does that mean I'm GAY?_

Renji heard his alarm go off. Time to get up. Time to have breakfast. Time to go see Kira, Hisagi, Matsumoto and Hinamori and somehow avoid talking about what happened to him yesterday.

_Ah shit._

Renji had been so worked up about what might have happened between him and Byakuya, he had completely forgotten all the gay action his friends had been up to yesterday. Renji decided it would be best if he didn't mention anything that happened to him yesterday, at all.

Renji slowly walked up to the training ground. It was yet another lieutenant practice. Having 2 in 3 days was a rarity. He saw Matsumoto waving to him and he ran over to her and Kira, it didn't look like either Hisagi or Hinamori were here yet.

'So, _how are you today, Renji?' _Matsumoto asked.

'What's with the creepy voice and eyebrow wiggle?'

'Oh, _nothing,_ had a _fun_ day yesterday?'

'NO. NOT AFTER THAT BLOODY LETTER YOU GAVE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU TO FILL OUT!'

Matsumoto sighed 'That was so yesterday I'd almost forgotten about that, I'm talking about what you did _after _the whole letter fiasco.' Matsumoto smiled.

'Huuh?'

'Yeah, when you and Byakuya finally got together and got a little action!' Hisagi shouted across the training ground with Hinamori in tow as they walked up to Matsumoto, Kira and Renji.

'WHAT DID YOU SAY HISAGI? I DID NO SUCH THING!' Renji screamed.

'Oh don't fake it, everyone knows already!'

Even Hinamori looked like she knew.

'How the FUCK do you know?'

'Ikkaku has told _everyone_.' Kira said as Hinamori and Hisagi joined them

'How the fuck does IKKAKU KNOW?'

'Zaraki told him.'

'How the FUCK does ZARAKI KNOW?'

'Yachiru told him.'

'HOW THE FUCK DOES YACHIRU KNOW?'

'Yachiru caught you and Byakuya in a rather compromising position apparently, yesterday.' Hisagi laughed.

'WELL, YOU WOULD KNOW ALL ABOUT COMPROMISING POSITIONS, WOULDN'T YA? Oi, Matsumoto, do you know what Shuuhei and Izuru were up to yesterday?'

Matsumoto giggled. 'I already know, idiot. I was the one that got them together.'

If Renji's jaw could hit the floor, it would have at that point.

'And really, if you think about it, I got you and Kuchiki-sama together as well.'

'How'd you figure that one out?'

'If I wasn't there to say kiss when we played spin the bottle all those days ago, then you probably would have never chosen kiss, then you would never have kissed Kuchiki-sama, then he would never have given you a _sexual_ punishment, then I would never have written that letter, then you would never have gotten yourself into such a huff that you passed out, then you'd never have ended up at Kuchiki-sama's house and then you'd never have gotten together.'

Renji just blinked, he wasn't sure how Matsumoto knew so much of it, but still... _So, Matsumoto is the reason of all my problems? _

'That's it, as soon as this stupid lesson starts I'm kicking the shit outta you Rangiku Matsumoto.'

'Ha-ha, try it.' Matsumoto grinned.

...

Renji could hear everyone muttering about him at lunch, it was driving him crazy. Matsumoto wouldn't stop mentioning it and even a couple of the other lieutenants had come over to 'congratulate' him, much to Renji's surprise and disgust. Yachiru kept on asking him very inappropriate questions which Renji wasn't sure she should even know half of the vocabulary she used. Everyone asked Renji the same thing, 'how did it happen?', Renji could feel his blood boil every time that question got asked.

Renji had another one of his instantaneous thoughts.

_Maybe Kuchiki-taichou VIOLATED me? And it was so traumatising that I blocked it out of my memories?'_

Renji thought it over some more, 'THAT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL ANSWER!' Renji naively thought. Now there is just no way Renji could ever let Byakuya get away with something like that. There had to be some sort of revenge he could pull. Something that would once again let him get the upper hand. At that moment in time, Renji had completely forgotten that every time he attempted to get the upper hand, by no effort at all, Byakuya did instead.

And Renji had the most perfect plan, he never thought could backfire.

Yet another naive thought by Renji Abarai.

Renji sneaked off at the end of the lunch hour and quickly and quietly made his way over to the twelfth squad testing labs. Mayuri definitely had what he was looking for; he knew that 'cause Nemu had told him that Mayuri was currently making a rather specific drug that would render _anyone _unable to make coherent speech, let alone anything else.

A drug that made you constantly turned on, by everything you saw.

Renji masked his spirit energy and snuck into the research labs and looked along the compacted shelves. There was bottle after bottle of god knows what. He quickly spotted the colourless liquid 'medicine' that he wanted. Renji jumped up to grab it and just about managed to reach but not without leaving a trail of destruction behind him.

_Who cares?_

Renji very quickly made his way back to his barracks and went into the office, praying to god that Byakuya was getting changed at that point. Renji's prayers were answered when he looked into an empty office. He noticed Byakuya's green tea on his desk that was still warm. He poured some of the liquid into his drink, unsure of exactly how much he was supposed to use. Renji heard footsteps outside the door so he quickly dived underneath his own desk, hoping that he wouldn't be spotted.

Byakuya walked into the office, ready for his meeting with the other captains and took a drink from the cup on his desk. It tasted slightly different, sort of a metallic taste. Byakuya just stared at it and made a mental note to tell Renji to buy his some new tea. He left the room.

Renji gave a mental high-five to himself and slowly slipped back to his lieutenant training, where the others were waiting for him, unknowing of his plan.

...

Byakuya felt a little light headed as he walked over to the Captain Commanders office. He was pretty sure that it had something to do with the dodgy tea he had just drunk. _But I'm sure there wasn't anything wrong with it earlier. _Byakuya just carried on walking, it was bound to wear off at some point. He just had to hope it didn't get any worse.

When Byakuya had reached the meeting, he noticed he was the last one there. Obviously, feeling a little light headed had made him walk slightly slower than he had expected. All of the captains turned to look at him. Suddenly Byakuya liked the fact that everyone was looking at him. It made him feel quite... _Sexy._

_Wait, what? You did not just think that Byakuya Kuchiki!_

Byakuya was frankly appalled that he just had that sudden thought and blushed very slightly.

'Kuchiki-san, are you feeling okay?' Soi Fon asked.

Byakuya nodded, 'I just feel a little light headed, that's all.'

Yamamoto began his long speech but Byakuya wasn't listening. He was too busy eyeing up Soi Fon. He had never noticed before how _hot_ she looked. _Her breasts might be small but the rest of her slightly small frame greatly compensated, and anyway, her breasts looked the exact right size to fit into one of Byakuya's cupped hands._

_Oh my god, STOP THINKING LIKE THAT!_ Byakuya shuddered; he couldn't quite believe what he had just caught himself thinking about. He didn't think he had _ever_ thought that way about _anyone, _even Hisana. Byakuya decided it would be best to stop looking at Soi Fon.

Instead his eyes fell on Ukitake. He always had a slightly goofy look on his face but until now he had never noticed how _erotic_ it looked. _His long silky white hair was just dying to be stroked and Byakuya was just dying to touch his smooth sensuous skin which gleamed in the light. Byakuya could feel Ukitake's steel gray eyes slowly piercing his soul, yet at the same time, drawing him in ever closer, full of temptation._

'Byakuya?' Yamamoto asked.

'HUH?' Byakuya turned to face the captain of squad one, his whole face red, yet again shocked and repulsed by what he had just been thinking about. Byakuya swayed a little and felt a little bit light on his feet from being so flustered.

'Do you need to sit down?' Unohana sounded worried.

Until now, Byakuya had never noticed just how _seductive_ Unohana's voice was. _It flowed over him, tingling all of his senses and making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up._

'I'M FINE!' Byakuya accidently shouted, attempting to wake himself up from his hypnosis. Byakuya was the only captain who hadn't previously missed one of the captain meetings. He wasn't about to chuck out his brilliant track record just because he felt a little... Hormonal.

_Maybe Renji was right, maybe I do have a little bit of a dry spell issue. _Byakuya decided it would be best if he looked at the least attractive person in the circle... That would have to be Kenpachi for him.

Byakuya was always amazed at Kenpachi's hair but until now he had never noticed that it actually _captivated _him. _His strong, lean, muscular chest enticed Byakuya and Byakuya had to remind himself to keep breathing when Zaraki looked him straight in the eye. Byakuya lost himself in Kenpachi's visible eye, it looked like a whirlpool in which Byakuya could soon find himself drowning in. _Byakuya began to feel heat pool down into his crutch, but he didn't care.

_WAIT. OF COURSE I FUCKING CARE! _

Byakuya looked away from Kenpachi as soon as possible but then found himself mesmerised by the new carpet Yamamoto had bought. _The elegant swirls in the carpet made such beautiful, erotic shapes. The vivid colours allured him and dragged him in, with no chance of ever escaping. _

Byakuya came to once again and noticed he had somehow got an erection from the 'erotic' CARPET. This was bad, this was very, very bad. Byakuya couldn't look anywhere without seeing phallic objects everywhere and the warm breeze of the afternoon tickled over his skin and under his Shihakushou and scarf, only adding to the _ultimate pleasure_.

Byakuya noticed the meeting was over and saw everyone walking towards the exit. _The way their feet slowly stood on the swirls of the carpet, like the swirls were hungry for them, wanting more._ Mayuri walked over to Byakuya and held out a blue pill. Byakuya watched the pill. _How he longed to taste it, to suck it in his mouth and feel it slither down his throat._ Before even asking what it was Byakuya had taken it. _He swirled it in his mouth, lavishing it_, _loving every minute of it and .. and.._

Byakuya blinked, his little episode appeared to be over. He stood up properly and noticed Mayuri standing in front of him.

'You might have heard of this new drug I was making, it makes the user lost in his own fantasies, the perfect poison in my books. Anyway, it was stolen from me a couple of hours ago. I believe you were most likely under the influence of it.

Byakuya breathed in heavily, still very flustered from what had just happened but still had the effort to nod that he understood.

'Who...Do you think...It was?' Byakuya panted.

'Well, the only piece of evidence we appear to have was such: 3 long, bright red hairs.

Byakuya growled, instantly knowing who did it.

'Thank you, Kurotsuchi-san.'

'Warning, the anti-dote isn't fully completed yet, the effects will wear off in about half an hour. The only way to let the 'pleasure poison' lose its effectiveness is to... Erm... Have someone... Y'know... Sort out your little ... Issue?'

Byakuya's heart sank like a stone. But a little light soon began to show. His red-headed shinigami friend was yet again, about to get a REAL taste of his own medicine.

'Okay, and thank you again.' Byakuya strode off, still painfully aware of his erection, the only evidence still left of Mayuri's questionable 'Pleasure Poison'.

Byakuya quickly took care of his problem and hot-footed it over to the lieutenants training ground, he could feel the effects slowly beginning to make a reappearance. Byakuya marched straight through the door and right onto the grounds.

'RENJI ABARAI. GET OVER HEAR RIGHT NOW.'

Renji looked up to see his captain glaring ferociously at him, Hisagi wolf-whistled whilst most of the other lieutenants all started to mutter under their breath.

'Must be a lovers' quarrel.'

Renji turned bright red. This was the first time he had seen his captain since he'd been 'violated' by him. When Hisagi noticed Renji was blushing he jabbed Renji in the ribs and said,

'Better get a move on, he looks, needy.' Hisagi grinned at pointed. Renji noticed a small tent in Byakuya's trousers. Renji grimaced, if anyone else noticed, his social status would be gone faster than you could say 'Renji Kuchiki'.

Renji very quickly ran over to Byakuya, who looked just about to explode with anger and rushed him out of the door.

Renji looked down at the ground.

'You, erm, might have wanted to see me?'

'Come with me.' Byakuya stomped off, Renji shuffling along behind. They stopped as they got to the Kuchiki manor. Renji shivered. He detested that house now.

Byakuya dragged Renji into his bedroom. Renji looked dubiously around, making sure there was nothing that would hint that his captain would wish to 'violate' him again.

'Explain, Renji.'

'Huh?'

'Why did Mayuri find bright red hairs all over his now slightly destroyed lab and find a certain concoction missing? Why did I then appear to get the symptoms of the mysterious missing concoction?'

'I have no clue what you're talking about.. Could have been anyone with long... Red... Hair?'

Byakuya glared, but couldn't hold his glare for long, he began to be enthralled the tribal tattoo's on Renji's face.

Byakuya managed to shake himself out of it, he couldn't lose it just yet.

'And how many other shinigami are there with_ long, red hair?['_

Renji desperately tried to think, but none came to mind.

'Well, here's your punishment. There is no remedy to the poison you put in my tea, the only way for the effects to disappear is if I am sexually... Satisfied. As I learnt last night, you are very good at sexually s_atisfying_ me.' Byakuya couldn't help but smile.

'Woooooah no, hold it right there, I don't know how you brainwashed me yesterday, but no. There is no way in _hell_ I am _ever_ going to do that. _Ever._'

Byakuya knew that this was going to happen, but he still had once more trick up his sleeve. Byakuya put on his best puppy dog eyes, something he was sure he had never done before.

'But yesterday, you told me you loved me, was that just a lie?'

Renji's eyes widened with shock, unable to make a retort to that. _Did I really say that? Why the fuck would I say that? _

_Was Byakuya THAT GOOD in bed?_

Renji blinked. _What the hell should I do now? I don't wanna hurt him and say I lied, but I don't definitely don't want to 'sexually satisfy' him... ARRRRH!_

Byakuya had lost concentration again; he was too busy yearning for the man in front of him. _His vibrant red hair imprinting Byakuya with its beauty. The way the black tattoo's stand out so perfectly against his slightly tanned skin. The lustrous scent that was wafting off him, Byakuya just wanted to bury himself in it. His brown eye's deep in contemplation, making him more and more hungry for the sex god that was standing before him. _

Byakuya could feel his dick throbbing, wishing to be acknowledged but Byakuya still had enough self-will left to stop himself from touching it. But he couldn't stop the shaking; the drug had come back into effect far worse than before. Byakuya moaned softly as his lieutenant looked up at him, _his eye's consuming every part of him._

Renji just stared at the black haired soul reaper. It was obvious that he was still under the effects of Mayuri's drug but Renji marvelled at Byakuya's willpower and restraint. Renji finally came to a resolve. He would help his captain, but only in as far as a hand job. NO FURTHER.

Byakuya started to undress himself, dreadfully impatient. Renji wanted to turn his head but he knew he shouldn't. He soon saw Byakuya naked in front of him again. Renji closed his eyes tightly and reached out, petrified and trembling. His had connected with something, it felt... Bony.

'That's my wrist, idiot.' Byakuya hissed. Byakuya took hold of Renji's hand and lead in to his aching need. Renji yelped when he felt his hand connect with the harden flesh.

_It's okay Renji, just think it's a girl. It's fine, it's Yoruichi..._

_Just... Yoruichi with a penis._

Byakuya moaned and Renji squirmed some more. He finally put his full hand around Byakuya's long shaft and gradually started to move his hand up and down.

_It's okay Renji, your pumping a dildo. A dildo that moans._

_WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE GIVING A HAND JOB TO A MOANING DILDO, DUMB-ARSE!_

Byakuya moaned again, louder this time and Renji's pumping intensified. Byakuya had never felt something like this before. To see the sexy, muscular man giving him a hand job was enough on its own to almost send him over the edge.

Renji hoped Byakuya was near climax, there was no way he could fool himself into thinking that he was doing something else. Renji glared at the man before him, 'At least someone is enjoying this.' he grumbled softly.

Byakuya didn't hear anything that Renji had said, he was reaching the point of ecstasy. Byakuya moaned for a last time and released the hot sticky liquid which happened to go all over Renji's hand and _face._

Renji screamed and ran to the bathroom. Byakuya sighed, feeling much more tired than normal. He tidied himself up and went to go find his lieutenant.

Had he really just thought of his lieutenant as a _SEX GOD?_

He found his lieutenant scrubbing away at his face with every soap known to man and shinigami. Byakuya tapped him on the shoulder.

'We have training tomorrow, don't be late.' Byakuya said, his cold, monotone voice had made a comeback.

Renji just squirmed, and continued scrubbing frantically at his face.

_I am never, EVER_, _doing that again. Never again am I acting like some sort of stupid sex superhero._


	8. Chapter 8

**I apologise, I realise the way I've written this is _really_ confusing. Sorry 'bout that. So WARNING it's about to get even more confusingly insane.**

Renji was lying in bed. He hadn't been able to get to sleep. He still felt very... Unclean.

* * *

Byakuya was lying in bed. He hadn't been able to get to sleep. He still felt very... Unclean.

Both of them were dreading what lay before them. Neither of them thought they could look at the other in the eye again.

Byakuya was quite dismayed at himself. He'd never wanted his revenge to go _that_ far. But then again, Renji deserved it and once again Byakuya had come out on top. But this could only mean one thing. Renji would be planning some other, awful revenge. One that would be even worse than the last one.

Renji looked up, he was determined to somehow get Byakuya back but he needed a fool-proof method. One that would never fail or backfire in his face. He'd just had to wait for a good idea to occur to him. One that would be even worse than the last one.

Both of their alarm clocks rang at the same time. Both of them hit the alarm clock with as much force as possible. Both of them very slowly got dressed and made their way over to the sixth division office.

Byakuya arrived first, as always. He went over to his desk and looked in his planner, this morning it was signing more wretched paperwork and the afternoon was training with Renji. _Great. _He sat at his desk and slowly pulled out all the paperwork that he had to go through.

He suddenly heard a clunking of his desk and saw that Renji had arrived and had brought him his tea. Byakuya nodded at Renji and peered dubiously at his tea. He picked it up and sniffed it. _Smelt normal._

'Trust me, I'm _never_ putting something in your tea again.' Renji said, looking over. He saw Byakuya blush very slightly.

'That's good to know' Byakuya took a sip, apparently it was just his normal average green tea. 'Today we're signing paperwork all this morning and training in the afternoon. You have this evening off.'

Renji let out a sigh of relief. He only had to make his way through the day and then he could vent off a little steam with his friends, if they weren't too busy making fun of him. Renji looked around the office when he heard a knock at the door. He went over to open it while Byakuya looked up.

Mayuri walked in with Nemu behind him. Mayuri glared at Renji but then got back to his original point.

'I don't think there's any easy way I can start this, so I'll get straight to the point. I have a pretty good idea what has been going on here and I think there is something I can do to help.' Mayuri started.

Byakuya raised a questioning eyebrow, 'If it has anything to do with another perverted potion of yours, I don't want to hear it.'

'Ah, it does have something to do with a potion, but a very innocent one. I can hear the awkward silence around you two all the way from the other side of Seireitei.' Mayuri held out two pills, 'You both take these, and you both forget this week and your memories are replaced with just your normal, boring, mundane days.'

Renji jumped over to Mayuri and attempted to snatch one out of his hand, desperate to forget the feeling of Byakuya's semen all over his face. Mayuri quickly whipped them away from Renji's reach.

'There is no way I would give it to just _you_, you ungrateful swine.' Mayuri snapped.

Byakuya had come to his decision.

'Yes, we would like to accept those pills please.' Mayuri handed them over to Byakuya who poked one of them slightly.

'Are you absolutely sure this will work?'

'Of course they will. You will have forgotten everything when you go to sleep tonight' Mayuri smiled, 'Glad to be of assistance.' Mayuri then walked out of the room, Nemu bowed to Byakuya and Renji and then left with him without a word. Byakuya examined the pills, still slightly unconvinced. He watched as Renji looked wantonly at the pink pills.

'You take it first, then at least I can tell if they're poisonous or not.'

Renji quickly downed one of the pink pills. After Byakuya was content that they didn't have any horrible or erotic adverse reactions, he took the last one himself.

The both of them carried on through the day as normal, but still unable to make eye-contact. Renji decided not to go out with Matsumoto and co. just because of the amount of questions she would ask, and Renji would prefer to lose his memory of the last week as quickly as possible. He lay down in his bed and desperately tried to get some sleep.

...

The next morning, Byakuya woke up, feeling slightly more energetic than he usually did. He just lay in bed, not even bothering to open his eyes. He thought about last week, the amount of paperwork he had to fill in, the hollow that had needed his attention in the human world, his house finally being free of building works and his lieutenant giving him a hand job. Byakuya growled.

_Fuck you Mayuri, those damn pills didn't work._

It suddenly occurred to Byakuya that his bed didn't feel quite as warm and comfortable as it should. He opened his eyes and realised he appeared to be in Renji's room. _Oh shit._ Byakuya looked round but couldn't see Renji. Then another thought struck Byakuya, his long black hair usually hung in his eyes when he first woke up but his vision was clear. He reached upwards to see where his hair had gone and Byakuya's heart skipped a beat. He appeared to have 2 triangular bald patches on his head. Byakuya ran to a mirror. He screamed.

Renji came to about a kilometre from where Byakuya had just had the fright of his life. Renji casually thought back on his previous week. First day he kissed Byakuya Kuchiki, second day he was sexually harassed by him, third day he was caught naked by him, fourth day he caught his captain masturbating, naked, and was 'violated' by him and the fifth day he had to give him a hand job.

Renji felt his temper boil.

_WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T IT WORK? Was there something wrong with it? Didn't I take it properly?_

_..._

_I bet Byakuya's pill worked absolutely fine and now he's forgotten everything and I'll just be left with all the memories. That'd be just my luck._

As Renji flailed, he noticed that the covers on his bed appeared to be heavier than what was normal. He opened his eyes and saw the one place he never wanted to see again. _Byakuya's bedroom._ Renji quickly span around, but thankfully there was no Byakuya next to him and neither did there seem to be any evidence of any... Shenanigans.

Renji cleared the hair out of his eyes but stopped half way through. Since when did he ever get hair in his eyes? And since when did he dye his hair black? Renji's stomach suddenly did a back flip when he looked down at his hands. He ran to the closest mirror possible. He screamed.

Both Byakuya and Renji ran to the sixth squad office as fast as possible, both hoping the other would be there. Renji got there first and a couple of seconds later Byakuya ran in the door. They both pointed at each other and screamed,

'YOU'RE ME?'

'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IN MY BODY?' Renji screamed, inside Byakuya's body.

'I didn't _ask_ to be like this, and what in hell are you doing in mine?' Byakuya said slightly more calmly in Renji's body.

A sudden thought struck both of them at the same time.

'Mayuri's drug!'

Both of them rushed outside of the door and ran over to Mayuri's research lab. Neither of them caring that it was 5'oclock in the morning. A couple of early rising shinigami passed them, all of them wondering why Byakuya Kuchiki looked 100x's angrier than Renji Abarai, a sight they usually saw the other way around.

They both charged through the door and found Mayuri just waking up for some reason in his lab. Renji charged right up to him and started screaming in his face.

'THOSE FUCKING PILLS, YOU BASTARD, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY?'

Mayuri looked shocked, 'Kuchiki-san?'

'I'm over here.' Byakuya said coldly whilst waving Renji's hand at Mayuri.

Mayuri blinked, obviously confused. Renji carried on his rant.

'THOSE BLOODY PILLS MADE US SWITCH BODIES!'

Mayuri hit himself on the head. 'Damn, I must have mixed up the batches. That must mean that I gave the other two the memory pills.'

'Other two?' Renji snarled, still not used to hearing Byakuya's voice wording his thoughts.

'My test subjects. The pills I must have accidently given you were trials, you see, we don't yet know how to counter-act the effects of that pill either.'

'You're HOPELESS! I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK AS AN ICE BITCH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!' Renji screamed.

Byakuya scowled.

'Don't worry, if you can just put up being each other for the day then I can figure out a remedy for those drugs by the end of the day.' Mayuri said, nervously.

'Please make sure it doesn't have anything to do with sexually satisfying myself with Renji again.' Byakuya said as coldly as Renji's voice could go.

'That might actually work...' Mayuri pondered.

'WHAT?' They both shouted.

'Now be off you two, I have a lot of work to do.'

Both Renji and Byakuya were pushed out of the research labs. Byakuya turned to Renji.

'How am I supposed to be you all day?'

'Well, just act happy for once in your life and don't be such a bitch.'

'So I basically have to act like an over the top arse-hole all day?'

'OI! Well, I'm lucky, all I have to do is stare angrily at paperwork and people all day.'

They both glared at each other.

'Well what do you have to do today then, eh?' Renji asked.

'First of all, you will have to speak properly when around others please, I wish to have my dignity still intact by the end of today and today you have... Oh crap.'

'What was that about talkin' proper?'

'You have captain training in the morning and teaching the students in the academy in the afternoon.'

'_Captain_ training? What the hell, I have never heard of that.'

'It's something new they wished to try out, just please, try and stay out of any competitions, I don't want you messing up my title as _strongest captain.'_

'Do you think I could work your zanpakuto like this?' Renji grinned.

'_Don't you dare_.'

'So what am I _supposed_ to be doing today?'

'Paperwork all morning, that will be easy, and training in the afternoon.'

'Oh god, training with who?'

'Squads 2, 3, 6, 9, 10, 11 and 12, quite a big group today. For some reason Yamamoto has started pressing all the training sessions. I suppose it has something to do with the Arrancar threat.'

_Oh crap, that means Kira, Hisagi, Matsumoto, Ikkaku and Yumichika. FUCK! My social image is about to be completely ruined in a bloody afternoon!_

'Okay, erm, some of my friends are gunna be there. So just try and act like me, okay?'

Byakuya raised an eyebrow.

'Yeah, I don't put on quizzical eyebrows. So work on it. And please try and learn how to smile.'

Byakuya glared, but it wasn't nearly as effective as he hoped for in Renji's body.

'Well, you'd better get ready, the 'Captain Training' begin at six.'

'WHAT?'

'Exactly. And now, for once in your life, you're actually going to get all your paper-work done.'

Byakuya walked away, dreading the day ahead of him. Dreading what Renji could possibly muck up at the stupid training and dreading have to 'hang' with Renji's friends.

Renji walked away, dreading the day ahead of him. Dreading play fighting with the other captains and dreading having Byakuya hanging around his mates.

Just a general sense of dread.


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter is probably the longest so far, I'm still working on the last chapter cause, damn it is hard to write. I think the next chapter is going to be the last, but then I thought that about 15,000 words ago.**

**

* * *

**

Renji walked over to the training ground. He was still a little early but he figured that Byakuya probably got to everything early. He saw Soi Fon, Unohana and Komamura already there. Renji forced his face to look as disinterested in everything as possible and even took to glaring at the floor a couple of times. He highly doubted that Byakuya would go over to the other captains and begin a conversation so he just stood a couple of metres away, looking thoroughly pissed off at the air around him.

More of the captains turned up, he noticed Ukitake and Hitsugaya turned up together. _Probably from another steamy night_ Renji shuddered. He saw Mayuri walk in and glared at him with all he could muster. _All his stupid fault._

Yamamoto turned up at five past six and began lecturing the captains. Renji wondered how Byakuya could listen to him for ages at a time. He had the most boring voice and talked incessantly about the same thing, over and over again. Renji couldn't help but yawn.

All of the Captains looked over at Renji, shocked that the great Kuchiki-sama would _dare_ yawn in front of the captain commander. Renji cursed himself inside. He'd already gotten off to a bad start.

_AHA! Here it is, my perfect opportunity to get back at Kuchiki-taichou! THIS PLAN HAS GOT TO BE FAIL PROOF!_

Renji started tapping his fingers against his leg and started humming slowly.

'Kuchiki-san, is something bothering you?' Yamamoto asked.

'Nufin' in particular...' Renji said in a very disinterested voice.

Yamamoto coughed.

'What? 'Cha got a problem or somefin?' Renji sneered.

Mayuri stepped in, 'I must apologise for Kuchiki-san's behaviour, you know yesterday Kuchiki-san was not feeling well? Well unfortunately he sought help from his lieutenant, who took advantage of his captain's _weak _state and got him drunk. As you can tell, Kuchiki-san is still feeling the effects.'

Renji glared at Mayuri.

'Hmmn. It does seem there are some rumours flying around that you, Kuchiki-san, maybe spending a little too much time with your lieutenant; I would like it if you would like to talk to me after my speech.'

_Not so fail proof after all._

Renji stared at the ground for the rest of the speech, not listening at all, just kicking up the dirt with his feet, much to the disgust of most of the other captains.

Once the actually training part of the 'training day' kicked-off, Yamamoto took Renji (Byakuya) to one side.

'Now, I have been hearing that you have started a more personal relationship with your lieutenant. Am I correct?'

'SHIT NO!' Renji exclaimed, forgetting who he was supposed to be for a second.

'I apologise, I mean, no, the rumours about me and my _faithful_ lieutenant are incorrect.'

'Hmmn. Is that so, _Renji?'_

Renji's eyes widened.

'How'd you know it was me?'

'I didn't, you just told me that you were.'

_Fuuuuck._

'How did you think to ask, then?' Renji said, still stunned.

'Because the Byakuya Kuchiki I know, would never get drunk, never act that way in front of anybody and also would know how to control his _reiatsu better._ Would you please kindly mask some of it, because the rest of us would like to be able to _breathe_ properly.

'Oh crap, sorry.' Renji said, taking down Byakuya's spirit energy to a much more normal level, he wasn't used to having to cover up so much.

'You are hereby dismissed from this practice session, please come back when you have sorted out your issue with Mayuri's debatable testing methods.'

Renji ran as quickly as possible away from the training ground leaving some of the other captains puzzled. Obviously Byakuya's love ran so deep for Renji he couldn't stand being alone from him for two seconds.

Renji went back into the office, which he later found out was a huge mistake.

...

'You did _what_ in front of all the other captains?' Byakuya screeched. Renji didn't know his own vocal chords could do that.

'Ah well, could have gone worse.'

'Could have gone a darn sight better as well!'

Renji just muttered something about needed the bathroom and left.

Renji entered the toilet when a sudden thought stuck him. He really did need to go but, he didn't want to see, or defiantly _touch_ that _thing_ again. Renji winced. He was torn between either going to the toilet or losing his sanity. He decided to keep his sanity intact and go back to the office.

'Y'know Renji, I would prefer it if you could just get over yourself and not give my body bladder poisoning.' Byakuya said without even looking up as Renji re-entered the room.

'But, Ewwww. Oh crap, you haven't erm, gone to the bathroom yet, either?'

'I just went. I also just found out that you have better orgasms than me which I am still sulking about.'

'You WHA?'

'It was a joke, Abarai.'

'You don't make jokes.'

'Then obviously, I was telling the truth. Either way, your penis is still tiny compared to mine.'

Renji was about to start screaming at Byakuya about invading his personal privacy but the alarm went off on Byakuya's desk.

'Time for me to be off for the training. See you at 6'oclock at Mayuri's lab.'

'JUST TRY NOT TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP PLEASE.' Renji shouted to Byakuya as he left.

...

Renji stood in front of the mirror in the office. It was quite a weird sensation to have Byakuya staring back at him in the mirror. Renji smiled and was mystified. Byakuya could actually look quite nice if he smiled for once. Renji decided to experiment a little bit. He took out the hair Kenseikan and tied Byakuya's hair up in bunches. Didn't really suit him. He tried plaits instead. They worked a lot better. Renji suddenly realised with his hair up, Byakuya looked very feminine. He sneaked into Rukia's bedroom and found a short yet fairly big dress. He was pretty sure in would fit Byakuya.

He put in on and went to look at himself in the mirror, he couldn't help but laugh. To see Byakuya Kuchiki in a young girls dress and plaits was one of the funniest things Renji had ever seen. Renji was also pretty sure he was supposed to be somewhere, but he was having way too much fun with this to care. Renji flash-stepped back to Rukia's room to see if she had anything else. Renji just stood there stunned. He had just flash-stepped so fast he might have well as teleported. He came to the conclusion that Byakuya could probably flash-step the length of Seireitei and back without being spotted once.

Maybe he should try that.

He flash-stepped all the way over to the 10th squad. He went into Matsumoto's room and found some human clothing. He decided to knick some for Byakuya to try on and flash-stepped back. All in the space of 30 seconds; Renji could really get used to this.

He tried on the cheerleader outfit and heels he had just stolen from Matsumoto and went to look in the mirror. _Maybe it was worth Byakuya scuffing up my social life just for this sight._ Renji decided to put Byakuya's hair back into bunches. It looked better with that outfit.

He suddenly heard the door open and spun around. He saw Byakuya looking more stunned than he had even seen him before with 6 students from the academy.

'I'm sorry for the intrusion, _Taichou,_ I can tell you are _obviously_ in the middle of some _personal_ business, but you _FORGOT _that you had the _students this afternoon.' _Byakuya said, in the coldest manor possible.

The six students looked completely shocked from seeing a squad captain in _fancy dress;_ especially the_ great_ Byakuya Kuchiki whom they had heard so much about from their teachers.

'Excuse me guys, y'don't mind if I have a little chat here with _Kuchiki-sama?'_

Byakuya dragged Renji, who was currently waving at the small little newbies like a paedophile, behind a cabinet where they couldn't be seen. Thing was, the cabinet they were behind was quite small so Byakuya had to squish himself onto Renji to make sure he wasn't seen.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' Byakuya hissed.

'I was experimenting with some new looks for you, how'd you like this one? And what's with all the kids, I thought you were supposed to be at training.'

'You forgot, you idiot. You're supposed to be looking after the academy students this afternoon, I was just about to get to the training ground when I was called over because _my captain _hadn't turned up to look after the 'kids'_.' _

'Oh, oops.'

'_HOW CAN YOU JUST SAY OOPS AT A TIME LIKE THIS? NOW WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?' _Byakuya whispered loudly.

'Some clothes I borrowed without permission from Matsumoto. Honestly, I think this is a good look for you y'know. You should dress like this more often.'

'_TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN CLOTHES NOW!' _Byakuya screeched, a little too loudly.

'Erm, guys. The students are getting a little worried.' Ukitake said, popping his head round the cabinet.

'Kuchiki-san?' Ukitake said, shocked at what Byakuya was wearing and the intimacy between both him and Renji.

'WHAT?' Byakuya accidently screamed, forgetting he was Renji for the moment. He turned slightly red.

'I'M OFF NOW TAICHOU!' Byakuya shouted at Renji whilst he sprinted out the door. _How could Renji do something like that to me! Bastard!_

Renji was left, feeling a little bit like a numpty after being caught by Ukitake, but he instantly forgot his fear when he remembered that everyone thought he was Byakuya. _Ha-ha! Perfect revenge and I didn't even plan it!_

'Erm, what are you doing here, Ukitake-san?'

'I'm showing the students around Soul Society with you. Shall I give you a couple of minutes to get –ahem- changed?'

'No. That's okay, I feel like going around Seireitei like this. Show I am open-minded.'

'Hmmn, oookay. Shall I wear the fairy wings?' Ukitake said, holding up a pink pair of wings Renji had also stolen from Matsumoto, with a goofy grin on his face.

'Go for it.' Renji almost letting himself smile. He was appalled at himself.

'Okay, kids, erm. Shall we get going?' Ukitake said to the students whilst he and Renji (Byakuya) jumped out behind the closet with pink fairy wings and a pink cheerleader outfit. The kids looked petrified.

...

Byakuya finally made it to the training ground and was suddenly thrown to the ground by Matsumoto shoving her boobs in his face.

'I didn't think you were coming, Renji. Don't scare us like that.' Matsumoto moaned.

Byakuya looked up to see Matsumoto, Hisagi, Kira, Yumichika and Ikkaku. _So these must be Renji's friends. _

'Hey guys.' Byakuya said, attempting to grin and looking genuinely happy to see them, which he most definitely wasn't.

'Hey, erm, Renji? What was up with Kuchiki-san and Ukitake-san a couple of minutes ago?' Kira asked, nervously.

'Huh?'

'Well, Kuchiki-san appeared to be dressed as a cheerleader and Ukitake-san as a fairy, taking 'round some new kids.'

'He was WHAT?'

'Yeah, they just passed here a couple of minutes ago, everyone was talking about it.'

'_That son of a bitch.' _Byakuya said under his breath.

'Hmmn?'

_If Renji plans on ruining my reputation then Renji should fear his own._

'I was just saying, I don't think Kuchiki-Taichou is feeling well today, y'see I got him drunk last night, 'cause he's better in bed like that and I don't think it really wore off this morning.'

The others stared at him.

'Oh, didn't I tell you, I get it on with _Byakuya_ every night. He's not all too keen on it but there is something about him that is just _so damn sexy. _Especaily when he's dressed as a cheerleader.'

'You feeling okay Renji?' Hisagi asked.

'Yeah, I'm still a little flustered from last night 'ta be honest. He's just that good in bed, and his dick's way bigger than mine!'

By this time all of Renji's friends were thoroughly creeped out. Ikkaku patted him on the back.

'Ya' need some help, pal.'

...

Byakuya managed to stay away from Renji's gaggle of friends for the most part of the training by offering to fight in basically every match there was. There was just an hour left

They were having a short break and Byakuya was forced to talk with Hisagi etc.. He wasn't really listening until the topic of _him_ came up.

'Renji, sounds like things are heating up with you and Kuchiki-san. So, how'd you do it?' Hisagi asked

'Do what?'

'Break his ice-cold heart?' Kira said.

'_I'm not that much of a bitch!' _Byakuya sneered, then remembering what he just said.

'I mean 'HE'! Eugh, my brain isn't working properly today.'

'Oh come on,' Hisagi said, not noticing Byakuya's slip up, 'even someone as 'loved up' as you, has to admit he has a few personality issues.'

'Such as?' Byakuya tried not to glare at Hisagi.

'He's more interested in doing his hair than in anything else' Matsumoto said.

'He has no friends.' Hisagi added.

'Well actually, he'd rather be friends with little deadly pieces of blossom than anyone else.' Kira mentioned.

'He doesn't understand the meaning of fun.' Ikkaku chipped in.

'But he is very beautiful.' Yumichika said, to balance out the argument.

'And he does do some crazy shit when he's drunk.' Matsumoto pointed upwards to the broad-walk around the training ground.

Byakuya forgot all his anger instantaneously at Renji's friends and focused it on one person.

The person who was currently doing the moonwalk down the pathway, in his body, wearing the cheerleader outfit.

_Renji Abarai._

'OI, KUCHIKI-TAICHOU, WHAT THE HELL D'YA THINK YOU'RE DOING?'

Renji then began to sing thriller. Byakuya had never heard of that song before.

The others had to admit, Byakuya did have a good voice.

'THAT'S IT. WE'RE OFF. THE ONLY PERSON I'LL EVER LET YOU DANCE IN FRONT OF IS ME, WHEN I'M HORNY FOR YOUR COCK.'

Renji instantly stopped dancing, he knew the whole of soul society had just heard what Byakuya had just said. What _he_ had just said.

'I hate you.' Byakuya whispered to Renji when he flash-stepped up there.

'The feelings mutual, pal.' Renji whispered back. Byakuya then grabbed hold of Renji's hand and began to pull him down the pathway.

'OH LOOK, SEEING YOU DANCING IN THAT _TIGHT_ CHEERLEADING OUTFIT HAS GOT ME ALL HARD. LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL NEED TO SORT IT OUT FOR ME; YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT GIVING ME HEAD.' Byakuya said in an abnormally loud voice so all of Renji's friends could hear.

'We're off to Mayuri's _now.' _Byakuya said, not letting his grip slack on Renji's hand.

'WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?'

'FOR THE SAME REASON YOU'RE DRESSED AS A CHEERLEADER. END OF DISCUSSION.'

Renji growled.

'I can walk by myself thanks, I don't need you to hold my hand.'

'I will hold your hand, if I feel like holding your hand. Make sure you don't break out into night-fever.'

Byakuya and Renji arrived once again outside the twelfth squad research labs. They both stomped in, still holding hands and walked over to Mayuri.

'WELL?' They both shouted at once.

'I can see that you both had a rather... Eventful day. And I apologise, it isn't about to get any better.'

'WHAT?' They both shouted at once.

'Well, I have good news, and I have bad news. Which one do you want first?'

'GOOD' Renji shouted.

'BAD.' Byakuya shouted.

'Okay, good news is, I've come up with, what I think, is a remedy. Bad news is, I don't think you're going to like it.'

'WHY?' They both shouted at once.

'The only thing I have been able to come up with is this. You both need to get as close as possible to each other and I think your personalities will recognise which body they're supposed to be in and cross over again.'

'So we can just do this.' Renji stood back-to-back with Byakuya and closed his eyes, attempting to meditate his soul across.'

'Erm, closer than that.'

'How much closer?' Byakuya hissed.

'Quite... A... Bit?'

'So really, what you're telling me, is that the sarky comment I made saying 'I hope the remedy isn't me having sex with my lieutenant again' and you going 'that could work' _wasn't a joke?'_

Renji just stood there, petrified.

Mayuri laughed timidly, 'Yeah, that's the... Erm... General gist of it.'

'OKAY, I'M COMPLETELY COOL WITH BEING AN ICE BITCH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I'M OUTTA HERE.'

'Would it work if we just kissed?' Byakuya asked dubiously.

'I don't _think_ so, but there is a small possibility that it _could_ work. If not then, erm, yeah, sex _would_ work.'

'What sort of perverted old man are you?' Byakuya questioned, 'all of your remedies appear to have something to do with me having sex with my lieutenant.'

'Honestly, it's nothing personal!'

'I may happen to accidently report you at some point.' Byakuya said as he walked out of the research lab. Renji running after him.

'Taichou, what are y-' Renji was cut short after Byakuya once again grabbed his hand and flash-stepped over once again, to his bedroom.

'OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.. NOT DOING THIS. CAN'T MAKE ME THIS TIME. NU-UH; NO CAN DO.'

Byakuya shut up Renji by kissing him. Renji's eyes widened, especially when it appeared that Byakuya's tongue was demanding entrance to _his_ mouth. Renji opened his mouth slightly only to bite down _hard_ on Byakuya's tongue.

'OW! I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU JUST BIT YOUR OWN TOUNGE, IMBECILE.'

'I THOUGHT I SAID NO!'

'Would you rather us have sex then?' Byakuya raised a tattooed eyebrow.

'No but, yeah but, no but, yeah BUT I DON'T WANNA KISS YOU!'

'Well you obviously did a few days ago, I hope you remember that if you'd never had done that, we probably wouldn't have ended up in this position.'

'THATS CAUSE I WAS HYPER AND SHIT. JUST NO.'

'Well then, do you want me to go get Mayuri again, I'm sure he could give you some 'Pleasure Poison' to relax you up a bit.' Byakuya glared.

Renji whined. He weighed up the pros and cons. He finally made up his decision. 'Okay, I'll kiss you. But you try any other weird shit, then I'm outta here. Remember that I can now flash-step WAY faster than you.'

Byakuya placed one of his behind Renji's neck, well, his own neck he supposed, and one of Renji's back and advanced again, only to pull away a second later.

'THIS IS TOO DAMN AWKWARD. Why couldn't you have just accepted it the first time!' Byakuya grunted.

Renji was still shaking from the first time Byakuya had tried to tongue him. He knew it had to be done but he just didn't _want_ it to be done.

_C'mon Renji. You can do this. Just like Byakuya said, I didn't have any problem with it when we were playing spin the bottle. So, just imagine your still playing spin the bottle._

_Just imagine I'm kissing myself... Which I actually am._

Renji re-connected his lips with Byakuya's. _Feels weird._ Byakuya once again demanded entry to Renji's mouth, which was creepily his own, and this time Renji let him. _But doesn't feel bad. I mean, he's a good kisser. In fact, it feels quite nice._

_OH MY GOD RENJI, DON'T THINK LIKE THAT, YOU'LL TURN GAY._

Renji was about to pull away but Byakuya stopped him by lightly biting his bottom lip. The kiss lasted for around a minute after that, until Renji finally got to break it.

'IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK!' Renji screamed wiping his mouth.

'Shit.' Byakuya said, looking thoroughly pissed off.

'I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL MAYURI.'

Byakuya just sat there, lost in thought.

'What'cha thinking about?' Renji's eyes narrowed.

'I was contemplating whether or not to have sex with you.'

'WHAT? THERE AIN'T NO WAY I AM HAVING SEX WITH YOU. NO WAY. I HAVE ALREADY BEEN VIOLATED BY YOU. I DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.'

'What?'

'THAT TIME WHEN I WOKE UP AT YOUR HOUSE, AND I COULDN'T REMEMBER A THING.'

'Oh, _you IDIOT,_ I thought you had already seen through that.'

'Huh?'

'I was pissed off at you for blacking out on me and then me being caught try to carry you to my room _both naked_ by Yachiru just threw me over the edge. I just put out condoms and lube to make you _think_ that you'd had sex with me as revenge.'

'OH YEAH? AND WHY'D MY BUTT HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER THEN?'

'You hit your head didn't you, which made you black out. Didn't you realise your head didn't hurt anymore? Using kido I just moved the source of pain from your head, to your butt, to make it more believable. _Idiot! You thought I would actually have sex with you FOR FUN?'_

Renji felt a little bit stupid at that point. He really should have seen through that.

'Okay then, but I STILL DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU.'

'But that's the thing, it's not really having sex with me, it's having sex with yourself. Well, sort of.'

'Yeah, but it's still _you_ moving my body and the like. And either way, it's still gay.'

'Really, _I thought you were all about OPENNESS now?_'

Renji growled. Things were not going in his favour. He really did want his body back; he dreaded what would happen if Byakuya took over his body permanently. But then, he had to have _sex_ with Byakuya to get his body back. He truly was stuck in between a rock and a _hard place._ (- Oh bad pun, bad pun. I just couldn't resist. -)

Byakuya was debating the exact same thing. He'd never slept with a man before, he'd never _wanted _to. And even if he did, Renji was the _last_ person he would _ever_ think about having gay sex with. But he couldn't look at it like that; he just had to look at it as a method to get his body back. Nothing more.

'I've come to a decision.' Byakuya said.

Renji looked at Byakuya, worried.

'I say, let's just do it and get it over with.'

Renji was afraid Byakuya was going to say that.

Renji winced. _It's just to get your body back Renji, nothing more._

'Fine.'

Renji looked petrified..

Byakuya patted Renji of the head and lightly kissed him on the lips, attempting to reassure him it was going to be okay. Renji was shocked, he could feel the kindness from that kiss. He returned the kiss, trying to put as much friendliness into his part as Byakuya had done.

For some reason, Renji felt tingly all over, but just for a split second until looking back at Byakuya.


	10. Chapter 10

**It's actually finished. Finally. I apologise again for the fact that I am really crap at the whole explicity writing. I really hope you enjoyed it and a big thank you and e-hugs to the people who have reviewed this 3 **

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Byakuya started to undress.

'WOOAH, ERM. STOP. I MIGHT HAVE ALREADY SEEN YOU NAKED ON A COUPLE OF OCCASSIONS BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANNA SEE YOU NAKED AGAIN.'

'Then how do you propose we have sex then, genius?'

Renji gulped. _That also means I have to get naked? _Renji very, very slowly started getting undressed.

'Any slower, and I would think you were attempting a strip tease.' Byakuya raised an eyebrow, already completely naked.

'AAARGH! MY EYES! MY POOR EYES!'

'What is wrong exactly with my physique?' Byakuya said, coldly.

'YOUR PENIS. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.'

'Still jealous that mine's bigger?'

Renji felt like ripping his hair out at this point. He'd finally stripped down to his underwear but was very reluctant to go any further. Byakuya noticed Renji's hesitation.

'You know, you might as well try and enjoy this. It will make it less awkward.'

'WHAT ARE YOU, A FAGGOT? HOW COULD I POSSIBLY ENJOY GAY SEX WITH YOU?'

Byakuya let out a shot of reiatsu.

'OWW. I mean, there's nothing specifically wrong with you, I just mean, I would never enjoy gay sex with anyone.'

Byakuya continued to glare at his lieutenant. After this whole ordeal was over, Renji was going to get the punishment of his life. Just... Nothing sexual.

'So, how does one commence gay sex?' Byakuya asked.

'HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, YOU'RE THE FAGGOT HERE.'

Byakuya let out another shot of reiatsu. He was tempted to make it a lustful one like a couple of days ago but decided it would be best to leave that till later.

'Sorry.' Renji just realised the string of abuse he had been shouting at his captain and could see how he'd taken it a little personally. But still, _Byakuya wanted him to ENJOY it? '_Maybe we just start where we left off whilst we were kissing?' Renji couldn't stop his voice from shaking whilst he was saying that.

Byakuya noticed this and put a hand on Renji's back. Renji winced.

'I'm sorry.' This was the first time Renji had _ever_ heard his captain apologising. It just wasn't done. 'And I promise I'll try and make it as painless as possible.' Renji could feel a little bit of the weight lifted from his shoulders, he'd never heard his captain being this kind to him before. He obviously did care about Renji, very deep down... _Wait a second..._

'WHAT THE FUCK? WHO DECIDED YOU WOULD BE ON TOP?'

'Well, on that little form we filled out, I did put that I was seme.'

'Humph. Waaaait, I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SEME MEANT?'

'Of course I did, I just wanted to see your face as you tried to explain to me what it was.'

'AND THERE WAS ME THINKING YOU WERE ACTUALLY NICE FOR A SECOND.'

Byakuya moved his hand which was on Renji's back and put it across his shoulders and brought him in for a kiss. When they were just a couple of centimetres away Byakuya whispered,

'I truly am sorry for this though.' Byakuya connected his lips with Renji's, feeling the familiar warmth that he'd felt a couple of minutes ago. He licked Renji's bottom lip, asking for entrance, which Renji was once again apprehensive to give but gave in anyway. As the kiss got more heated he lay Renji down on the bed and lightly laid himself partially on top.

'WAIT. WE FORGOT THE LUBE AND THE CONDOMS.' Renji yelped; the last thing he wanted was an STD from Byakuya.

'I don't carry diseases, and I hope to god you don't.'

'No, BUT STILL. I DEMAND PROTECTION AND LUBE.'

'FINE!' Byakuya stomped off and came back with a condom and some lube. Renji looked at the lube.

'_Cherry flavoured?'_

'I like that flavour. You have a problem with it?'

Renji shook his head and almost started laughing. The fact that the miserable, and usually completely emotionless, man on top of him carried spare condoms and _cherry_ flavoured lube, was just so hilarious 'cause it was the last thing he would ever have expected.

Whilst Renji was grinning Byakuya once again began kissing Renji, this time letting his hands wander lightly along his lieutenant's muscular chest. He couldn't stop himself from being admired. Byakuya lightly pinched one of Renji's nipples.

'OOOOH NO NO NO. NEVER TOUCH THERE. JUST, DON'T GO THERE.' Renji screeched. He always hated women playing with his nipples and Byakuya had no special privileges. Byakuya started to suck lightly on the patch of skin slightly below Renji's ear.

_Fuck, he's good at this. _

A sudden thought hit Byakuya. There was a way to get Renji way more into what was happening; a way to possibly get him to even enjoy it.

'It appears that I am better at this than you.' Byakuya smiled slightly.

'Wha?' Renji's eyes narrowed, 'Oh no you ain't.'

Renji wrapped his arms around Byakuya, pulling him in closer, determined to prove that he was superior in bed. Renji licked Byakuya's neck slowly whilst Byakuya slowly moved his hands down Renji's strong body until they got to his boxers.

_Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Please don't remove the boxers, please don't remove the boxers, please don't remove the boxers. _

The boxers were gone in a matter of seconds.

_Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Please don't touch my manhood, please don't touch my manhood, please don't touch my manhood._

Byakuya slowly wrapped his hand around Renji's cock and lightly stoked his fingers down its length. Renji couldn't help but shudder. _There's no way Byakuya hasn't done this before._ Byakuya did it again and Renji attempted to stifle a moan but ended up almost choking himself in the process. Byakuya kissed Renji again and Renji couldn't stop himself from moaning in Byakuya's mouth.

'I'm definitely doing better than you now. Look at how hard you are.'

Renji snarled. _This is so not fair._ _I HAVE to be better than stupid Byakuya in bed. I mean, c'mon, aren't I the guy that everyone wants to fuck in soul society? Okay, well maybe that's Shuuhei, but I'm definitely second!_

Just as Renji was in deep contemplation of what he could do to drag back his sexual status, Byakuya thrust two of his fingers up into Renji.

'OW. YOU BASTARD. THAT HURTS.'

'You're pathetic at this.'

Renji started to get used to the feeling. It actually felt quite good after a while. _No, fuck that, it feels bloody amazing._ Byakuya hit that certain spot and almost made Renji scream. Byakuya had to try so hard to hold in evil laughter it was killing him. Byakuya reached over for the lube. He squirted a fair amount on his hand and rubbed it onto his aching dick. He removed his fingers which surprisingly made Renji a little pissy and was ready to penetrate until he heard screams underneath him.

'THE PROTECTION! GODDAMMIT! REMEMBER THE PROTECTION.'

'I do not believe in protection.'

'GAAAAH. WHAT SORT OF MESSAGE IS THAT TO THE CHILDREN?'

'Anyway, protection will most likely prohibit us from getting 'as close as possible'.'

'I DON'T CARE. CONDOM ON, _NOW!_'

'Do you want to change back or not?' Byakuya paused for a couple of seconds and then turned white. Renji looked petrified.

'Erm... Kuchiki-san? What's... Wrong? Renji panted and realising what Byakuya had just realised.

'Renji... When did we turn back?'

'I'm not all too sure... Erm... I have a horrible feeling it was quite a while back...'

'So do I.'

'FUCK MY LIFE!'

'Ah well, can't stop what we started.' Byakuya thrust into Renji.

'OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING? THAT HURTS. SON OF A BITCH!'

Byakuya waited until Renji's complaining turned down a couple of notches and pulled out again slightly until thrusting in again, as far as he could. Renji screamed. It appeared to be a mixture of pain, pleasure and a dash of 'OMGWTF'.

Renji couldn't quite believe what was going on, but soon enough all comprehensive thoughts left his head as he was consumed by pleasure. He wasn't sure what made this whole ordeal so blissful, but he hoped it wasn't the fact that he had Byakuya's dick rammed up his arse.

_Then again. That is quite a nice thought._

Byakuya knew he was reaching his limit, his body glistened with sweat as he shuddered and released into Renji. As Renji felt the warm liquid entering him, he gave one last moan and came all over Byakuya, aiming for his face.

_Payback._

Byakuya fell onto Renji, panting.

'You're shit in bed, Renji.' Byakuya said and then fell fast asleep on top of him.

Renji growled and pushed a sleeping Byakuya off him. He couldn't believe how much of a _pervert_ his captain actually was underneath his stoic mask.

'Fuck you Byakuya.' Renji whispered and also fell asleep.

...

Renji was the first to awaken. He slowly opened his eyes and saw Byakuya once again in front of him, stark naked. Renji sighed, hopefully this was the end of it all. This had to be as bad as it got. Nothing could get any worse than this.

_Unless he has sex toys he's planning on using._

Renji quickly scouted out Byakuya's room and found nothing. Hopefully his captain would also acknowledge this as the end of their little fiasco.

Never again would he _ever_ start a game of revenge with his captain.

He looked back over to Byakuya, he was once again sucking his thumb.

'He really likes stuff in his mouth doesn't he?' Renji said to himself.

Renji played back what he had just said.

'MY BRAIN HAS BEEN CONTAMINATED!' Renji screamed and ran out of the Kuchiki estate, putting all his clothes on, during the journey.

Byakuya opened one eye. Finally his noisy lieutenant had left. He sighed to himself, the game had finally finished. Never again would he _ever _start a game of revenge with his lieutenant. Especially if Mayuri decided to act as a catalyst. _But then again..._

Byakuya closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

They both heard their alarms go off at the same time. They both groaned. They both hit their alarms so hard that they broke. They both slowly got changed.

They both arrived at the office at the same time.

Neither of them mentioned what had happened for the whole day.

Just as Renji was packing up Byakuya walked over to him; Renji was the first to speak.

'We never mention _that_ ever again?'

'Concur.'

'Glad we got that sorted.' Renji smiled.

'Just, one last thing...' Byakuya also smiled and turned on the item he was concealing from Renji.

Renji heard a horrible vibrating noise coming from behind his captains back.

_Fuck my life._


End file.
